Movie Review 'Bang Bang': It’s pure Hrithik porn. Go swoon

Rating: *** (3 stars)

Cast: Hrithik Roshan, Katrina Kaif, Danny Denzongpa, Pavan Malhotra, Jimmy Shergill, Deepti Naval, Kanwaljit Singh

Director: Siddharth Anand

I imagine that all our top Bollywood stars, after their regular visits to Siddhivinayak and Haji Ali, now make a pilgrimage to the offices of big Hollywood studios which have set up shop in Mumbai.

Before entering, they probably touch their foreheads to the steps leading up to Disney, Fox Studios and others because it’s thanks to them that they can now star in remakes of big Hollywood films and pretend they are international stars.

The bigger the star, bigger the film they get to pick.

Bang Bang! is a faithful, official remake of Knight And Day, and it stars, in place of Tom Cruise, Hrithik Roshan, and instead of Cameron Diaz it has Katrina Kaif.

Hrithik Roshan is different. He was created by the Special Task Force set up by Adonis, before the god of beauty and desire passed. It was a parting gift to women on earth. Hrithik is a piece of crafty art, with an enticing little flaw (of three thumbs) telling us, “Ladies, this guy is real. You can touch him.”

That’s why he must only, always, prance around in his golden curls, brandishing a body that must, eventually, be immortalised in marble and placed to the left of Michelangelo’s David in its full glory.

If you are wondering what I’m going on about, here it is: Bang Bang! is pure Hrithik porn.

A star as big and stunning as Hrithik needs grand outings. So the script of K&D was bought, a gorgeous woman signed, locations short-listed and extras handed out a page each detailing their expressions and lines.

Ya, all else in this film is “extra”. An accessory either to complete the scenery that frames Hrithik, or an item for Hrithik to grab and kiss, or shoot and kill.

But before all this can happen, the universe must conspire to create a just cause and moral exigency for Hrithik to para-drop into. It does.

One very bad man, a terrorist type, Omar Zafar (Danny Denzongpa), is arrested by Britain’s MI6 and is kept in London for an Indian Army Colonel, Viren Nanda (Jimmy Shergil), to escort him to India where he is most wanted.

Viren arrives with a few lesser officers, but Mr Zafar is not too keen to go because, you see, here, in this swish MI6 office, he gets to eat pizzas, whereas in an Indian jail, where iron gates don’t swish open but go clankety-clank, he won’t be allowed to loll around in his three-piece suit and dial in a pizza.

Mr Zafar is loath to leave with the colonel whose mommy keeps calling him on the phone to ask if he’s wearing a sweater. She’s sure he isn’t.

Mr Zafar finds all this really unprofessional and humiliates Viren, his desh, and all his highfalutin talk of desh bhakti. Before Viren can give him another bhashan, Mr Zafar’s flunkies arrive, kill many MI6 officers and guards, hand Mr Zafar a gun with which he shoots Viren while his mommy is on the phone.

Oh ho! Now this, in an Indian film marinated in Indian paramparas and sanskriti, is just not on. It begs serious, severe vengeance.

But let’s leave that for a while and stay with Mr Zafar and his Key Flunky (played by a tattooed Javed Jaffrey), who don’t scoot from the place.

They stay on, and in full view of MI6 CCTV cameras, have a sort of bad boys’ board meeting to discuss the company’s agenda.

Key Flunkey tables that the new extradition treaty India and Britain are about to sign is a terrible roadblock for further growth.

Mr Zafar agrees, says we must stop it, and there’s only one thing that’ll stop it — pit India and Britain against each other. But how do we do that?

By getting an Indian to steal the Kohinoor, stupid.

Aah! Key Flunkey says he’ll get on the job. But before he can, news channels in India and Britain are in a tizzy over the mysterious hooded man, the shatir chor who has stolen the Kohinoor from the Tower of London.

Guess who has stolen the Kohinoor? And guess why he has done that? Guess?

If you can’t, go watch Hrithik Roshan take off his shirt, twice, or was it thrice, do a dazzling dance to 'Tu tu tu, tu meri ri ri', some really cool stunts, as well as Katrina Kaif forever taking a shower and sometimes, when she’s done taking yet another shower, and is dry, beauteous and cute, invite Hrithik to smoooooch her.

And if you can guess, then well, go watch Hrithik Roshan take off his shirt, twice, or was it thrice, do a dazzling dance to...