Sexual Communication

Chandini found out that her husband Chandran was having an affair. When she confronted him, Chandran retorted, “You are deadwood in bed. You do not fulfil my sexual needs.” “You never told me your needs,” protested Chandini. “Do I have to explicitly say what turns me on? We have been married 4 years. By now you should have understood,” Chandran responded.

Failure of effective communication is a well-established cause of sexual and marital discord.

Many of us find it difficult to talk about our sexual needs. In our society, we often learn early in life that sex is not an acceptable topic of conversation. If parents don’t talk about sex at home, children do not learn good ways to talk about sex later in life. Sexual communication is a delicate art that is a blend of both verbal and non-verbal interaction. Sex is sometimes referred to as the ‘most intimate form of interpersonal non-verbal communication.’ Four important components of nonverbal sexual communication are — facial expression, interpersonal distance, touching and sounds. All of these non-verbal behaviours differ from culture to culture. It is important to realize that the message you think you are sending may mean something different if your partner is from another culture.

Tips provided for improving overall communication can be useful in sex life too.

· Initiate and allow initiation:

· Sex needs to be a two-way street. Allowing your partner to initiate shows that you care about what they like, and initiating sex yourself demonstrates desire and interest levels.

· Alternate between their choices and your own: The only way to know what your partner likes and dislikes in bed is to talk to them about it. Keep in mind they are sharing sensitive information which requires sensitivity.

· Realize that your partner is not a mind-reader: Many a time, we assume that because a marriage has gone on for many years, our partner must be able to ‘just know’ what we like and dislike. Be ready to tell your partner even if you do not like something.

· Learn to communicate the difficulties: A good or healthy relationship does not mean one without problems. It hinges on the ability to tactfully handle the hardships as well. If something is bothering you or you recognize something is bothering your partner, take the time to discuss it.

· KISS - Keep It Simple and Straight: Sex and communication are cornerstones of intimacy in a relationship. The KISS formula helps to provide a way to enhance communication, and it definitely can’t hurt when applied in the bedroom.

The writer is a sexologist. Mail him at dr.narayana@ deccanmail.com