When Intimacy Is Denied

Jyothi retorted angrily, “You are my problem. You never bother to care for my feelings and needs. Have you bothered to take me for a vacation in the past two years? Why should I alone fulfill your needs?”

One prominent sexual hurdle involves one partner requesting sex and being repeatedly refused. Why do people deny pleasure to their partners? Some common reasons are: one does not like the other, one uses sex as a weapon to hurt or control the other, one has a significantly lower sex drive than the other, one gets little pleasure from sexual interaction and one prefers intercourse at a time different from the other.

Whatever be the reasons, the effects of refusal will be damaging. The effects include feelings of inadequacy, frustration and anger on the part of the refused partner, a deflated self-esteem in him/her, anxiety, depression, decreased sexual interaction due to avoidance learning and fault finding.

The overall effect on the relationships will be unhappiness in nonsexual relationship, impaired communication, violence due to anger, marital breakdown/divorce.

These sexually warring couples will be poor role models for their children. In most instances, the reason for refusal is rarely exclusively a sexual one except when one does not get pleasure in sex. The cause is mostly due to relationship-based issues: marital discord or sex being used as a form of manipulation.

How to resolve:

For men:

Try and find out why she says no.

Seek professional help to overcome your sexual inadequacy, if any.

For women:

Do not use sex as a weapon.

Clarify why you are not in the mood.

Remember that men hang their self-esteem on their penises.

For both:

Adopt effective communication patterns.

Use non-hurtful/punishing

communication.

Arrive at flexible solutions.

Sex is not only physically satisfying but

it also brings the partners closer.

Hence both should strive to derive the maximum out of it instead of avoiding.