Beauty & The Beast Mode Relationships
As instances of Shrekking rise in couples, experts stress the importance of self-esteem, mutual respect, genuine concern and love for each other
Beneath the swipe and click chaos on dating apps, a new complicated and toxic trend has been bubbling up — shrekking! Named after Shrek, the green, gigantic gruff ogre from the 2001 animated movie by the same name.
“Shrekking is when someone chooses a partner they perceive as less attractive or lower in status. They assume that the low standards in looks would ensure better loyalty,” explains Dr Kavita Pant, a Mental Health Professional and Counsellor. However, Dr Kavita opines that such ideas only serve as myths. You settle for something less because you don’t want to feel rejected or hurt. Dr Kavita says, “People who try shrekking usually have this belief that if my partner feels lucky to have me, they will never leave.”
Reel vs Reel Life
The idea of shrekking ties in with the original Shrek movie story. Shrek, the titular ogre is grumpy and isolated. He is anything but charming or attractive, yet Fiona, the beautiful princess, chooses to stay with an ogre for love. But Dr Kavita quips, “Shrekking isn’t as easy as movies.” She believes a relationship that starts on compromise or cracks is likely to fall apart in no time.
The Susceptible Lot
Shrekking, too, comes with its own layers. Broadly, it plays out in two distinct ways. In the first, the conventionally attractive partner chooses someone who doesn’t align with societal beauty standards. However, they manage to offer emotional security, kindness and a genuine connection. The second version, however, is less romantic: one partner settles due to loneliness or fear of not finding anyone better. There are also deep-seated feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. Dr C Veerender, Counselling Psychologist and CEO of You and Me Counselling Centre, Hyderabad, says, “Shrekking isn’t confined to any specific gender. It often shows up in both men and women dealing with low self-esteem.”
People battling such insecurities tend to seek validation through relationships. Dr Veerender adds, “They attempt to attract partners not necessarily out of love, but as a way to compensate for their own selves.”
In the Indian context and ethos, both genders face harsh scrutiny but in different ways. “Women are frequently judged for their looks while men are often assessed based on their financial status,” she says. Women become easy targets of shrekking scenarios due to existing societal disparities.
The Social Mirror
Social media has added to the chaos. Terms like ghosting, breadcrumbing and shrekking are thrown by Gen-Z randomly in a matter-of-fact manner without understanding the mental and emotional turmoil it can cause. Instagram-worthy couples are followed as “ideal goals” You settle for anything less, and you face social media wrath. Many times, couples may not even be interested in applying the Shrekking dynamics. Yet, mischief mongers are ready to nudge and ‘investigate.’ Shrekking, unlike love, comes with layers. Layers that often go unnoticed. Dr Kavita explains, “I’ve seen couples where one couple silently resents the other because the entire relationship began with an imbalance.”
All in all, such relationships are prone to breed passive-aggression, low intimacy and unmet emotional needs. Dr Veerender explains, “Relation-ships based solely on looks tend to be superficial in nature.” He opines that a person’s character and honesty take the relationship a long way.
Happily Ever After
The idea that love is perfect is a myth. Shrekking challenges us to expand our idea of compatibility beyond just looks. However, it doesn’t mean you use this as a tool to feed your own insecurities. Fiona chose Shrek not because he was the best available option, but because he genuinely made her feel seen, heard and loved.
