Shobhaa De | Of Dynamos, Dynamite And Dinosaurs: No Dull Moment

Gosh! Don’t we just love how focused we are on matters other than world issues. Matters such as … a biryani for Rs 370, the gender bias in cadaver jokes and, of course, a national celebration for our beloved Prime Minister, marking a landmark moment in his leadership.

Meanwhile, as I write this, the Strait of Hormuz is shut once again. Three Indian seafarers, serving on two Pallau-flagged oil tankers off the coast of Oman, in the Persian Gulf region, are dead in the recent attack by Mad Max (also known as US President Donald Trump), while the Indian Navy, undertaking a high-risk operation, disposed of an unexploded warhead recovered from the fuel storage compartment of a missile-hit crude oil tanker, 50 nautical miles off the coast of Kochi… Hota hai, we shrugged. And went back to planning our summer vacations, while frenziedly scrolling Instagram, for more tidbits on the latest price of biryani… errrr… not biryani-biryani, but sex on a first date. Priorities, folks! Perspective… s’il vous plait!

Cashing in on Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s innings, favour seekers and sycophants of all hues jumped in with full page ads gushing over India’s “bhagya”. “Congratulations on the longest run,” gushed Apollo Tyres, lauding the PM for his leadership (“A historic journey. A nation’s trust.”). Amul, always ready to pun and praise, gushed, “Sir, you are truly a DYNAMO’’, with a full page ad featuring earlier tributes marking the Prime Minister’s 4,400 days in office. “Makhan India”, anyone?

But let’s focus on the viral biryani controversy. Comedian Pranit More should have been having the last laugh… Poor guy, his jokes backfired badly, and he got the boot, instead of laughs. For non-initiates coming in late, More (rhymes with Torey), and Himanshu Jangra raised hackles and unleashed hell when Jagra spoke about a biryani date turning unsavoury when the woman refused to bed him after he had fed her the defamed Rs 370 biryani. That was a calculated risk, my friend! After investing in a biryani that caused national indigestion, several troubling questions got the chattering classes… chattering!

Turning the controversy on its head, what if a woman had made a similar investment and paid for a fragrant vegetable pulao, hoping that the spicy dish would make her male lust-interest feel that he should show his gratitude and/or appreciation by bonking her. Favour for favour. Flavour for flavour. A fair exchange. Would we still be filing complaints and demanding the woman’s head -- how dare she treat her date as a sex object? Terrible! No gender sensitivity at all! She has insulted men across the board by being this blatant. Transactional sex is the worst kind of exploitation. Pull up the woman instantly. Punish her! Poor guy! Is this any way to show respect? Social media dynamite!

Big question: Is it really about the biryani? The modest price tag of the first date? Had Jangra talked about an elaborate fine dining experience or a holiday in the Maldives, would the jury be still out wondering about the fairness of the deal? “After spending thousands and lakhs on her, surely she knew sex was involved?” Numbers!!! It’s always about the numbers.

Jangra lost his job. More’s woes have just begun.

Move over and make room for Sejal Pawar, a medical student from Mumbai, who cracked jokes from the audience about the genital sizes of cadavers. Oh honey… what were you smoking? Thinking?? Our desi society is very sensitive when it comes to poking fun at male genitals -- not just of cadavers, mind you. “No one can make fun of a dead body,” declared one and all… even after the undergrad apologised. KEM Hospital has set up a probe against Pawar, who, not surprisingly, has gained substantial social media followers since the comment went viral. Now, a caste angle has been thrown into the mix, as Pawar handles trolling along with the compliments. The Maharashtra police cyber cell has registered a criminal case against Pawar, More and all the others over the alleged creation and circulation of objectionable matter. “Social media is a big platform… And I was very naïve,” admitted Pawar, about the two-month-old clip that has landed her in the mess.

The KEM Hospital medical director, Dr Shailesh Mohite, stated: “Nobody should make fun of a dead body. This is not professionalism. It is basic humanity.” Agreed!

But hold on… Such a backlash for a tasteless “joke” about male genitals? While the same society forgives non-stop jokes about the size of women’s breasts? No part of a woman’s anatomy is spared.

Whether it’s popular films, songs or casual conversations.

Deconstructing and discussing every inch of a woman’s body in the public domain… is a pardonable crime. But a reference to the size of a cadaver’s penis leads to a national debate about the rights of cadavers.

The Supreme Court had once said: “The essence of a woman’s modesty is her sex.” Matlab? By that argument, what is the essence of a man’s modesty? Brain???

There’s a major lesson in the Rs 370 biryani. For starters: Avoid all biryani dates -- who knows the unpalatable consequences of consuming this incomparable dish? Offer to split the bill, in case biryani is ordered. Take the consent of your date, and preferably in writing, before placing the order. Once the biryani appears on the table, make it clear you are there for the biryani and the biryani alone. No seconds after you have polished off the last morsel -- that needs fresh negotiation.

Clarify your position before you touch the biryani -- especially if phirni features as a post-biryani sweet dish. Phirni could be the code name for sex.

These are confusing times. Biryani is a loaded word, with multiple connotations. If your date suggests a biryani restaurant, consider that as a red flag and cancel outright.

The same applies to jokes about genitals and breasts. Do not laugh. You could find yourself in jail.

So… now that we have a whole bouquet of social issues to deal with, triggered by a comedy show, remind yourself that life is just a comedy. And the laugh’s always on us.