Ranjona Banerji | Let’s Make Some Noise For The Angry Old Woman!

There is a conversation going on in some circles about how having grey hair makes you practically invisible. And if you’re a woman with grey hair, then you can be totally unseen. Of course, this is not a blanket rule. I mean, it’s not a rule at all. But it has been and can be easily observed. Especially if you do have grey hair.

I offer you anecdotal evidence, which scientifically is not evidence at all. Maybe the stories will cross into other sociological areas as well. I visited a popular café in the city where I live. It is always full and loved by both residents and tourists. For context, I am 63 and have grey hair. You have to climb a flight of stairs to reach the café. Ahead of me was a young man carrying a baby car seat. On the other side of the steps was a young woman staring at her phone, effectively blocking passage in a small space with a small landing station.

The young man in front of me reached the landing and just put the car seat down on the ground. I was on the last step, about to step on to the landing when the young woman on the phone walked past me, right at the edge of the staircase. I was mid-step at the time and if I was a little older, I could easily have fallen. The banister is on the other side, which she had been blocking. Neither the man nor the woman acknowledged me nor appeared to have noticed me or their surroundings. Luckily someone requested the young man to move the car seat so I could reach the landing and walk into the cafe.

It’s a simple enough incident. No big deal. I said nothing because I did not see the point.

It’s not much of a story, you might think to yourself. You might also flip it around to show how today’s young people have no spatial awareness. And how the obsession with staring at your phone makes it so impossible to lift your eyes and see what’s happening around you. But that’s for some other time.

Because truly any grey-haired person above a certain age knows how easily they can be bypassed, sidestepped, forgotten.

I saw this when my late mother was in hospital. I’ve written about it before. The young doctors would address her as “Mataji”, exchange pleasantries with her in Hindi and then discuss her medical condition with me, in English. We’re patently Bengali; Hindi is not our first or second language. My mother was educated and aware. But old ladies apparently lack cognitive skills and only speak Hindi. I have to make an exception for one young doctor who said my mother looked somewhere between actress Leela Naidu and Hollywood star Elizabeth Taylor, so he would pop in to say hello, much to her amusement!

Sadly, the invisibility also has to do with how you look. If you are in traditional Indian wear, or look dowdy whatever you wear, with your hair pulled back and no make-up, it is worse. You can be ignored in any number of places. If you try and make yourself heard, you will be deemed needlessly aggressive. At the risk of being trampled upon, I find it every amusing that younger people who are very aware of their rights and want you to be always cognisant of their many sensitivities, are so totally insensitive about the feelings of others. I know, I know. This is very judgmental of me. Blame my age.

The small story I told just now is nothing but a small story. But I know many who can add their own experiences. Waiting at a counter for someone to notice you. Waiting to be served at a restaurant. Someone being impatient because you cannot understand new methods. And then talking down to you as if you are a toddler. If you are noticed then, you can be crushingly infantalised. And if you are female, o dear. Add a bit more condescension.

Some people, of any age, have the social and class privilege to try and stand out and therefore de-invisibilise themselves. Not everyone has that agency. And as some of us were made aware, younger generations of urban Indian women were enraged when they saw even younger women in villages use social media to share their progressive thoughts. The poor and the rural should have learnt by now that they must remain invisible, even to the “aware” politically correct contemporary stylish urban woman.

One has to know one’s place and stay within one’s boundaries, if I may roughly translate various popular aphorisms in Indian languages and cultures.

Social media is full of women of various nationalities in their 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s striking out to showcase their individuality, their style so that they are not ignored and forgotten. And of these brave souls, some are trolled for not being demure enough. The ones who exercise or wear exercise clothes are the most abused. Older women perhaps are not just invisible; they are supposed to be invisible. How dare they jump into athleisure (er, I think that’s what it’s called) when they can wear baggy sweatpants and shirts like their advancing years demand? In India, the equivalent would be the eternal frumpy salwar kameez.

I would be unfair if I did not mention the few remaining younger people who still follow the old norms of respect and compassion. They do exist and a big salute to them. But from the rule, these are the exceptions. Indians often pride themselves on how they look after their old parents, compared to people in the Western world. Although in public spaces, you are more likely to find basic courtesy in the West than in today’s India.

I didn’t make a fuss that day at the café because I was more amused than upset. But maybe, whoever crosses me next time may not be so lucky. I might just lash out, and therefore prove that old women really are as crotchety as lore suggests! Really you should beware of them. Remember those fairy tales about old witchy women in the woods? Where do you think they came from?