Farrukh Dhondy | How Hard Can It Possibly Be To Reactivate a Bank Account?

Years ago I took all the bank notes from under my mattress and opened a bank account in the Bandra, Mumbai branch of Standard Chartered Bank. Deter the thieves?

The bank gave me a debit card.

And then disaster. My own trusting, naïve idiocy? I flew to Majorca for work and was at the baggage carousel hall, sitting, waiting for the bags to be loaded. My passport, OCI card and the wretched Standard Chartered debit card were in a shoulder bag which I left on my seat as I saw my bag arriving. And went to fetch it. As I started towards the exit I went for my shoulder bag. Gone! Removed? No! Stolen!

Back in London after my workshop stint, I applied for all three documents — passport, OCI card and the Standard Chartered hole-in-the-wall debit card.

The passport and the OCI card arrived without much stress — a form to fill, and they both came by post in reasonable time.

No word from Standard Chartered and no card. I wrote again and then again. Still no card after three months. Four, then six…

But yes, finally some communication, and the card was sent by post to my niece’s address in Mumbai, an address which I must have given the bank at some point, even though all my requests for a card came from my London address, where I wanted it delivered. Taat pis! My niece will keep it safe (I hope)…

And then last month, gentle reader, I get an e-mail from the very paper you are reading, saying that the monthly cheque they tried to deposit in my Standard Chartered account had been sent back. The account was not accepting payments into it. What??? Why? Molest a duck?

Some months ago, I’d received an e-mail from a Standard Chartered official saying that she was assigned to be my customer support. At that point I wished that this offer of support had come before I had all those shenanigans and unexplained delays about my replacement debit card. Kher! I would now email this generous person assigned to look after my interests and ask why the cheque into my account had been rejected.

Yes, gentle reader, I received a prompt reply saying my account had been put on ‘hold’. No explanation why! I asked the obvious question. Why after all these years? Some suspicion of illegal activity? I thought to myself, the only laundering I do is of my clothes. I have absolutely no clue about ‘laundering’ money and would certainly not put any £20 or even a Rs 5 note in the washing machine with my clothes.

I naturally asked why my account had suffered this ‘hold’. Answer came there none — at first — and then my liaison contact said it was because I hadn’t filled in KYC forms.

I didn’t know what KYC meant and said so in my next email. The liaison carer sent me six forms to fill in, without saying what KYC was and with other abbreviations I didn’t understand. I did my best filling the forms, spending hours affixing photographs of myself, my passport, my OCI card, my motor car insurance, my driving licence, etc. I sent these off to Standard Chartered — the person who was looking after my interests (?). I got a reply saying I was to present copies of the same form to the Standard Chartered office in London.

Gentle reader, I traced the address and went to Moorgate with the documents and proof that I existed. The official dealing with ‘verifications’ was not in the office that day. I was asked to ring her the next day and make an appointment. I did and, yes, I took my six forms and all my identity stuff.

The lady was polite and thorough and even told me what KYC and the other obscure abbreviations meant. Sorted? No! This is Standard Chartered.

I got an email a few days later saying two forms were missing. I said I had filled all the forms I had received. They sent me two more forms which I had never seen before. I filled these and sent them to the verifier at the London office.

Was my account reinstated?

No chance. Even as I write this, I get three phone calls from India saying that the eight forms I have filled don’t have my initials in the right places. My custom-‘carer’ tells me about other things I have to fill in. I don’t have the forms to so do and ask her to email them to me. She says she will courier them. An hour later she emails, asking for my postal address.

Still no indication or explanation for why my account was put on ‘hold’. Or why I have to (still) go through this tedious, boring, unexplained, unnecessary procedure. Will I be told? Likely? Will the Pope convert to Zoroastrianism?

And of course, I want Standard Chartered to pay me three days wages for wasting my time. Like wanting Trump to voluntarily resign and confess?

I’ve been seriously thinking of restoring the new, much larger sum to under the mattress?