The recent news about a young woman being tortured to death due to disputes over dowry and a seven year-old child suffering similar or more cruel torture at the hands of his mother’s partner has disturbed many women, including me.
These are not one-off instances: there are many women in our midst who suffer torture and humiliation in silence for the sake of their thali and children. Most of us would know of a man, a drunkard, who physically abuses his wife as a routine.
I have come across several cases as a medical officer. What makes me more sad is that in most cases, the women would agree for a compromise, go back to their husbands’ homes and then return later with similar complaints. Their refrain has been the same: for their children. And then the fear of living alone.
I have only one remedy for this: the parents should stop teaching their daughters to live a lowly, disciplined life. They should instead teach them to run away from their husband’s homes, should the need arises. They must understand that nothing is more important than their lives.
I would say it is extremely important that women decide to marry only when they are financially independent. That a woman can live without the support of her husband would offer the self-confidence that would stop many abusive men on their tracks. It will also help the men, and their relatives too realise that the newly-wed woman is not their slave.
I fail to understand why and how the parents watch in silence their children being tortured and often killed. Do they think it will be an affront to the family if she opts for a divorce? Do they think she will be an additional burden on them? What’s important for them--her life or their false pride? They should instead stand by her, and ensure that she shares her feelings with them fearlessly even after her marriage. They should keep their girl children close to their heart, irrespective of her being married or not. They should meet their married daughter frequently. If she is unable to come home, they should go to hers. Don’t go by her telephone calls alone, for she may be under the watchful eyes of her husband or his relatives that she may not be able to tell you the truth.
Let our girl children not smother their lives; if she cannot live with her husband, she should pack her bags and leave. If the husband wants to come along, let him; or go in for separation. Suicide or death is failure and abject surrender. Separation is hundred times better than that. Teach your girl children this valuable lesson, and only then marry them off.
There is another curious phenomenon nowadays. The family of the bridegroom would place no demand on dowry before the marriage. But as soon as it is over, they would start the game which would be followed by physical and mental abuse. This is not done; the girls should return home and seek legal remedies. There are laws that can teach them a lesson.
Mahatma Gandhi has said any young man who makes dowry a condition to marriage discredits his education, country and dishonours womanhood. But statistics tells us the story of such men: the National Family Health Survey 2018 says one among three Indian women above 15 is subjected to physical, psychological or sexual abuse. This must be a starling piece of data.
There are some men who think that beating a wife is a way to “correct’ her. I must tell them that they would find themselves on the wrong side of the law which provides for harsh treatment for domestic violence. The law is on their side: there is provision in the law that allows women to seek divorce from a husband who forces one to go for unnatural sex. A character in the movie Bahubali says those who touch a woman without her permission should lose their head, not their hands, and I would support it. Anyone who raises his hand against his wife should be sent to jail to make chapathis with the same hands, and would be the lesson they will have to learn.
No woman need to suffer in silence. This is life, the only life we have, and women must value it. They need not sacrifice it for their husbands or children. There is nothing that can match a woman’s life. It’s so precious.
(The writer is assistant insurance medical officer)
