Am I my parents' keeper?

Research shows that the maternal bond or lack of it affects our brain, hearts, bodies and even sex lives.

Horror stories of parricide sending shock waves down the spine are not all that rare in a society that considers matha-pitha-guru-daivam on the same pedestal. And when the police chases the murderers, the adage takes the flight and there emerges a pattern. A chilling one at that.

On examination, without a tinge of remorse, Sooraj admitted to the police that he developed a deep resentment towards his father after being tired of the reprimands due to his utter indifference to studies and lifestyle. And he hated his sister Neha for “telling on” him.

Cut to Nandancod. Why did Cadell wipe off his entire family? During interrogation, a remorseless young man gave contradictory statements, talking of his obsession with astral projection (a process to liberate body from the soul) Satan worship and hatred towards the parents who spent their money lavishly to fulfil their dreams of his career and their disappointment, resulting in hurting and humiliating him etc. According to the team of psychiatrists, Cadell displayed symptoms of psychosis ‘schizophrenia’ and was unfit to face a trial. (Subsequ-ently, Cadell was admitted in a mental hospital for treatment.)

Udyan, too, expressed no sense of remorse about his cold-blooded murder, as he had hated his parents who he referred to as ‘Mrs and Mr Hitler’. They had forced him to study mathematics against his will and sent him for higher studies in computer science while his choice was social science. Though he could not pass any examination, he managed to convince them that he was on the lookout for a suitable job after the completion of his studies. An unrepentant Udyan blames his over-ambitious, love-less, constantly abusive parents and cruel atmosphere at school and friends for making him a sociopath eventually.

Studies show that the majority of parricide offenders in the West are adolescents whose brain is not fully developed and therefore operate through their limbic system — that part of the brain dealing with feelings as their pre-frontal cortex, associated with thinking, deliberating and judging is not fully developed. Adults, whose pre-frontal cortex developed fully, commit such heinous crimes for various reasons: dysfunctional families, drug addiction, deep rooted anger and hatred towards his parents, mental illness, etc.

Now, the question: what kind of a kid is capable of such an atrocity against his own parents or what kind of situation at home would lead to such a violent end to the parents?

Unlike in the West, where even young kids gun down their parents, friends and teachers for trivial reasons, here in India ‘adults’, not ‘adolescents’ kill their parents. And they have deep-seated hatred towards their parents right from childhood, sometime ending up in cold-blooded, well-planned murder which they do not seem to repent at all.

Parents of Cadell and Udyan represent most parents in India. Neighbours say that though well to-do, Cadell’s was an isolated family with no friends or relatives. And Cadell was an introvert and hardly communicated with the outside world.

Udyan’s neighbours, too, knew nothing about him except they see two cars parked in front of his residence in Delhi, a Mercedes and Honda city. His parents had no friends, relatives or friendly neighbours, a fact made their chilling murder, burial of bodies in the premises of the house before selling it off, a ‘secret’ for 10 long years.

In the case of Delhi Vasant Kunj murder, Sooraj revealed a burning anger towards his parents, whose nagging “tired” him and father’s “thrashing” on the previous day gave him the final push to murder his parents and sister with a kitchen knife.

No doubt, dysfunctional families, over-ambitious parents who push their children towards an unrealistic goal without evaluating their interests, aptitude and potentials, their constant physical, verbal and emotional abuse, hostile school atmosphere with lack of a healthy teacher-student relationship, no competent counseling facility like other countries, etc. do play their role in the making of Cadells and Udyans and Soorajs.

Research shows that the maternal bond or lack of it affects our brain, hearts, bodies and even sex lives.

Dr Allen Schore in his book After Regulation and Origin of self, says, “The child’s first relationship with the mother acts as a template, as it permanently moulds the individual’s capacities to enter into all later emotional relationships.”

So, the role of parents, especially of mother is of paramount importance in a child’s life. A mother should be the child’s best friend, confidant, counsellor and guide. Parents should love their children unconditionally, be emotionally close and approachable to provide them that much needed safety valve support system. Instead of pushing the children to fulfil their unrealistic goal, guide them to find something which they are interested in. Love them, be proud of them and inculcate real values of life in them — in short groom them to be beautiful human beings.

It is relevant to quote Mother Teresa who has that golden panacea for all the evils in the current society – ‘LOVE’

“I think, today’s world is upside down and is so much suffering because there is little love in the home, in family lives ….Love begins at home; love lives in homes. And that is why there is so much suffering, so much unhappiness in the world today. Everybody today seems to be in such a terrible rush, anxious for greater developments, greater riches and so on, and so their children have very little time for parents and parents have very little time for each other, and in the home starts the disruption of the world.”

In the ultimate analysis, the seeds of the murders, rapes, and acts of extreme cruelty to fellow beings are sawn in our own homes-yes, “loveless” homes, where parents have only time to push their children to live their dreams and absolutely no time to love unconditionally.

As Abraham Lincoln rightly puts it, “all that I am, and hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.

( Source : Deccan Chronicle. )
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