Gone are the days when remarriages were frowned upon. Increasingly, children are acknowledging their single parents’ need for companionship, stability and security. Moreover, they have no problems with even their older parents getting remarried. When designer Deepthi Balagiri, married M.V. Balagiri, managing director of GV Films, her daughter Vithika was 18 years old.
She says, “My daughter said, ‘You have to move on in life, mum. You are not living... you are just surviving and working.... I want you to get more in life.’ That’s something that I probably would never tell my own mum. I am blessed to have such children and have found a life partner again.”
“It was definitely a conscious decision. Even though I was apprehensive at first, it was because it had been the three of us for so long I didn’t know if we had room for another, but I always knew I would be happy if my mum is happy. My mother was a little hesitant to ask my grandparents but there wasn’t any opposition as such. It was definitely a big step in the family because we came across a lot of change, moving from Hyderabad to Mumbai, but I cannot deny that it has been absolutely wonderful and blissful ever since,” adds Vithika Balagiri, student of media and communication.
Still a taboo
In spite of the positive change in our society, principally those belonging to the middle class and lower income backgrounds still have to fight a solitary battle. “When you love yourself, you realise that you deserve a second chance and divorce isn’t the end. The same society that judges your actions is never around to help when you’re in trouble. No matter what you do, someone will always criticise it. I would have lost the chance of being with a wonderful man, if I would have listened to the opinions of society. It is important to live life on your own terms,” says Ekta Viiveck Verma, project coordinator at Invisible Scars, a group that works on urban domestic abuse issues for women.
“Society, and quite often even family, thinks this is not a good thing as the stepmother or stepfather will come in. In my case, I knew that with two young girls, there was no way I could raise them alone, and at 43 I needed companionship,” says Viiveck Verma, a philanthropist.
The concept of a second marriage still carries stigma so strong that they are hesitant to take the plunge. “I have gone through this myself with some close relatives exiting from my life due to this. Companionship is such an important thing that sometimes people don’t understand the need and only the person going through the loneliness realises the value,” he adds.
For companionship
N.M. Rajeshwari is the founder of Thodu Needa, a Hyderabad-based NGO that works towards providing emotional support to the elderly. After being a single mother for more than three decades, she married again with the blessings of the children of both the families.
“What’s wrong with that?” asks Rajeshwari’s daughter, Radhika, and reasons, “The journey of life cannot be travelled alone. We all need companions. Why should she be deprived of one? She deserves to be happy too.”
But does a step-family life ruin remarriages? Says Radhika, “There’s nothing called ‘step-family’. It’s all in the mind. our parents deserve to be happy. Societal rules and regulations are meant to enforce certain discipline but not to condemn a person to be a loner. If two mature individuals decide to be partners, I find no reason to object. We should allow them to rewrite their destiny.”
Complete family
Sometimes, a second marriage brings happiness to the child too. Fashion designer Archana Manchala says, “My son was extremely happy when I was seeing my partner, as he had seen me suffer in my first marriage. I introduced my son to him and saw how they broke the ice. They took time, but bonded beautifully.”
Archana decided to quit her troubled marriage for her son’s well-being and happiness. “After the divorce, my life was just about my son and work. After six years of being single, I met a German man. Even when we were dating, I was very clear that unless my son approved, we would not get married. Now, my son looks up to him as a father.”
Allowing time and space
Experts say that step-families succeed when step-parents and step-children develop positive relationships in their own way and in their own time. “Children always want their parents to be happy and so, when they see their parents happy with someone, they feel happy too. Depending on the age of the child, it’s not unusual for a child to not understand what a parent being remarried means. These changes aren’t expected by the child and thus, there are negative reactions often. Parents need to give children time, explain the situation to them, answer all their questions, ensure they allow time and space for bonding together as a new family — which may take months or years. The sense of understanding increases as the child grows up, and usually, younger children adapt faster than teens to such new family dynamics,” explains counseling psychologist, Diana Monteiro.
