Talking to your children about a break-up may be extremely uncomfortable, but life coaches insist that it is a deed that needs to be done.
For her latest music album, singer Gwen Stefani drew inspiration from her split with Gavin Rossdale. The singer admitted that it wasn’t easy since one of her priorities, while working on the album, was to “protect her children” from the split so that the children aren’t embarrassed when they look back. Life coaches we spoke to point out that discussing the break-up with children may be a touchy issue, but it needs to be done in a way to minimise the damage for the kids.
Expect mixed reactions
Children do not entirely understand the impact of the break-up all at once; and a lot also depends on their age and personality. Life coach Manoj Lekhi says that while a child may display shock, another may hardly show any response. He adds that a younger child may go back to habits that he/she had outgrown, such as sucking the pacifier; while the older child expresses anger, confusion and anxiety. He observes, “Special attention needs to be given when kids are involved. You need to sit down and answer their questions, but understanding a kid’s mindset is important. If the child is below seven years, he or she barely understands. Likewise, if the child is above seven years, he or she will tend to ask questions about the divorce. If the child is above 14, his doubts needs to be cleared keeping in mind his age group because they are slowly understanding the reality and facing the real world we live in.”
Don’t give out the dirty details
Life coach Veechi Shahi says that while parents have to be honest about the break-up, it is important to maintain the former partner’s dignity. She says, “Once you have decided to separate, share the news with the children. Make the conversation age appropriate. Do not indulge in blaming or mud-slinging. Spare the negative details from your child since your break-up could mean that he/she could lose faith in relationships.” Life coach Priya Kumar adds, “It is best that children learn about the break-up from parents instead of letting children guess about the unhappy ending. You aren’t protecting children when you don’t tell them about the divorce. It is highly possible that they might blame themselves for the split. Hence, it is best that they learn about the split from their parents.”
Help your children cope with the break-up
While there is no time frame about how long it could take for the child to get over the break-up, it is important to keep the communication channels open. Life coach Milind Jadhav says, “Talking to your child about the split is not a one-time event. You need to keep communicating positively with your child over a period of time. This will ensure that any insecurity, anxiety, fear or any negative emotions that the child might possibly develop later, are kept under control.”
