Lifestyle Sex and Relationship 25 Jun 2019 How the need to domi ...

How the need to dominate in bedroom can wreck relationships

Published Jun 25, 2019, 5:32 pm IST
Updated Jun 25, 2019, 5:32 pm IST
Sometimes a dominating woman loves to be dominated!
Sexual compatibility can be achieved by expressing what you want from the relationship. (Photo: Representational/Pexels)
 Sexual compatibility can be achieved by expressing what you want from the relationship. (Photo: Representational/Pexels)

While having sex, Vivek (name changed) always tries the missionary position and never 'girl on-top' or any other. On very rare occasions, he tries the doggy style. He demands oral pleasure but never reciprocates.

Also, in the missionary position, the girl is rarely allowed to caress/cuddle or kiss Vivek. Every time he holds her hands tight and there is a sense of contentment that shines in his eyes when she screams out his name aloud. On another occasion, Vivek asks her to kneel down to stimulate him orally and he holds her hair tight during the act. Lastly, he loves spanking.


MBBS, MD Psychiatry, Dr Anuneet Sabharwal addresses the concerns of Vivek’s wife who is unhappy in her sexual life. Dr Sabharwal says Vivek’s case is more psychological. If the person is soft-spoken and has an overall calm demeanour, sex is just one way to vent out their frustration. He is perhaps seeking an opportunity to exert dominance at least in one arena of life. He wants to control the person and the place; the bedroom is the place for him to rule. In his interaction with the outside world, he is awkward to exert dominance and take charge of the situation. Sex – total control in the realms of his private space, the doctor opines.

These are the points Dr Sabharwal touched upon as those which dominate the sexual behaviour of men like Vivek:

Psychological derivation

The actions are more to do with the mental state of the man and therefore, can be perfectly considered to be a psychological situation. It provides him with the strength to deal with everyday stress. Sex here serves as an escape. In reality, sex is not about expressing love in this case; through sex, he expresses himself and sometimes it is about power, control and manipulation.

It has an adverse effect on relationships

Striking a perfect balance between the desires of a man and a woman can get things right for either party. However, in certain cases, this kind of sexual behaviour can adversely affect relationship dynamics. It is important to know that a man with such disposition can go well with a submissive person, who is ready to take one step down in all aspects of the relationship. If paired properly, this relationship can work best. On the other hand, if the same person is paired with a dominating woman, chances are that the relationship might turn out to be disastrous.

Talking about submissive and dominating nature, there is one intriguing fact that some of you might relate to. Sometimes even dominating women love to be dominated! It has been witnessed in some cases that a woman who is extrovert and dominating to the outside world can be super submissive in her boudoir. This is another aspect of a woman which some men find extremely appealing and is a complete turn on. Sometimes a dominating woman comes back home to be submissive on to unload the stress and burden of her daily life. She lets her man take total control of the situation.

Meeting each other’s sexual desires

It is vitally important to set your expectations straight at the very onset of your relationship. The couple has to decipher each other want and work towards it mutually. According to Dr Sabarwal, couple therapy is effective to measure that can be taken as “50-70 per cent of the relationship can be saved”.

The concept of bedroom power play is not an emerging concept but has been prevalent since time immemorial. Over a period of time, perhaps what has changed is the attitude of people towards sexual behaviour. Sexual behaviour is more than often driven by our societal expectations, pressures and what people are more pleased to hear, listening and seeing.

People have started talking about their bedroom issues openly and the scenario has improved over the last 15-20 years. It can be perceived as a positive change. The more you talk the more you get to know where you are going wrong.

Relationship advice

Sexual compatibility can be achieved by expressing what you want from the relationship. It is something that cannot be judged from the outside. A highly dominating person can have sadistic or masochistic fantasies when they are engaging in sexual activity. Note – the personality of a person does not determine their sexual behaviour. Just the way you cannot judge a book from its cover, you cannot judge a person from the surface. You have to talk it out!