Fifteen year old Shiloh Jolie Pitt, outshone her mum Angelina at the Eternals premiere simply by donning a dress. Known for her tomboy, “dude” look, for the first time ever Shiloh, who earlier wanted to be a boy and even be addressed as John, suddenly has reverted to her feminine side.
Likewise, Virgin billionaire Richard Branson’s daughter Holly recently revealed that when she was only 4 years old, she had decided she wanted to be a boy and that the phase lasted until she was 11 years. Coincidentally, this had happened shortly after the birth of her brother Sam. Back then, Holly dressed like a boy, called herself imaginary male names and even stood up to pee. And then, just like that she snapped out of it!
What is heartening about both these instances is that neither Shiloh nor Holly’s parents judged, had a meltdown or discouraged their children from doing what they felt comfortable doing. The Bransons and Jolie-Pitts supported their kids embracing their masculine side.
While the girls did revert to their feminine selves, it seems like even if they hadn’t, there wouldn’t have been any family heartbreak or turmoil. However, as much as we admire them, it’s still tough for most of us to be like them. No matter how much we admit to being liberal, fathers still freak out upon seeing their little boys playing with lipstick or wearing heels as they imitate their mums.
So, how do you take a mature approach and be supportive of your kids when they want to do something that society conventionally frowns upon and discourages or simply mocks?
Play it cool
Clinical psychologist Dr Pulkit Sharma advises parents to simply ‘play it cool’. “Parents must be informed that gender identity is fluid in a child’s mind. It’s neither static nor is it hundred percent influenced by one’s biological sex,” explains Dr Pulkit.
“While growing up kids, enter many phases. Problems begin when you reward or punish children for being a certain way. Don’t encourage or discourage them; instead, just play it cool. In fact, don’t treat this as something significant, it’s all a part of growing up.” Indeed, we owe it to our children to be supportive of them. Let them decide how they want to be; you are no one to tell them that the world will laugh at them.
Incidentally, Pakistan PM Imran Khan’s wife Jemima Khan once posted a photo of their son Sulaiman dressed as a dinosaur and captioned the image, “I miss the days when Sulaiman went everywhere (including long haul flights) as a pot bellied T Rex... [sic].”
Playing dress-up is actually a normal part of childhood and kids get inspired by action heroes, siblings, characters from books and things around them. Needless to say, the now 20-something Sulaiman no longer dresses like a dinosaur.
Responding to inspirations
Lifestyle coach Geet Arsh Kaur believes the problem especially in South Asian countries is that we care too much about what others may think. “In India, every decision is made according to what society approves. But parenting is about accepting your child and supporting them fully. This is what a family stands for,” points out Geet. “The golden rule is that no third person is allowed to interfere and tell you what the child should do.”
Continuing on the same thread, clinical psychologist Priyanka MB, of Inspiron Psychological Well-being Centre Pvt Ltd., adds, “Acceptance, building trust and communicating are three essential elements of parenting. Grow with your children; this is what support feels like. If they get this at home, they become confident and comfortable in their skin.”
Priyanka also cautions parents to fight against misinformation. “Only if you’re open to learning from the right channels (psychologists, counsellors, etc.) can you build an environment of comfort at home, and every child deserves this,” adds Priyanka.
