Women Tired of Mankeeping Biz

Many men are constantly dumping their emotional burdens and other fears on their wife or girlfriend without realising that it takes a severe toll on the woman’s overall well-being. Welcome to the world of ‘mankeeping’ where the man is constantly cribbing or crying on the woman’s shoulder and she is 24x7 playing the role of wife, girlfriend, mother, cook, therapist and even money provider. But the sad truth of ‘mankeeping’ is that many women get physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted in the process. Truth be told, women are now growing sick of it.

Wo(man) At Work

“Mankeeping involves stereotypical behaviours aimed at keeping a male partner happy, where a woman would go to the limits of cooking good food, dressing well or even being supportive beyond measure to avoid conflicts,” says Priya Parulekar, Clinical Psychologist & Counsellor from Mumbai.

Priya warns about the ill-effects of such a loop. It pushes women back into their cocoons. Defining and nailing them to traditional roles. Where all that matters is how you cook food, how well you deck up and how nurturing you are towards your partner’s needs.

“Mankeeping is more prominent today as it highlights the emotional labour some women face,” says Priya. This not only makes things ugly. But it also makes a relationship swing to the tunes and chimes of the man.

Not Equals

In most households where both partners work, a woman may still have to carry the bulk of domestic and emotional labour. From remembering anniversary dates to managing in-laws and kids to being a full-time therapist to her better half. However, at the crux of the problem lies this question: Who decides who takes the brunt of constant nurturing?

Ekta Khurana, Psychologist & Founder of The Mind Home, Delhi says, “Nurturing is a human capacity, not a gendered destiny.” She explains that biology may equip women to nurture an offspring. But that’s a facet of biology, one bestowed by nature. Ekta quips, “The idea that grown men need to be emotionally raised is cultural, not natural!” What

adds to this belief is societal expectations. Women are told that it’s duty-bound for them to serve their partners. Some women are even reminded that it’s a part of their existence, their identity.

Telltale Signs

Ekta opines that newer generations may have progressive minds. But some patterns innately remain constant for all. She shares how she sees women look after their partners in terms of confirming medical appointments, taking necessary medications when needed or even reminding them to send work-related applications and mails.

It’s true that most of this could be done from a place of love. However, it’s important that one knows where to draw the line. Ekta believes younger generations while being vulnerable, are also realizing this pattern. Some (if not all) even choose to hit back. Ekta says, “Younger generations are beginning to ask, ‘Why am I parenting my partner instead of walking with him as an equal?’”

Priya believes men may not be as reciprocative to the concern showered by a woman. That’s where things get ugly. She says, “While some men may be incredibly emotionally available and supportive, most may struggle to provide the same level of emotional care and support in return.” This leads to emotional burnout. Priya explains, “Con-stantly managing another person’s needs, moods, reactions or comfort could take a mental and emotional toll on anyone.”

Appropriate Measures

It takes two to tango. Perhaps, this serves as the best adage to sum remedies to mankeeping. Men need to realize that their problems cannot always take

the center stage. While it’s important that a man feels heard. Equally important is that a woman feels valued.

It's time women invest in themselves. Priya says, “The best equalizer for gender roles is by educating oneself and latching onto financial independence.” Important to know is that mankeeping doesn’t just happen with married couples. In any intimate relationship, women are taking a disproportionate amount of load of invisible emotional labour. They may readily offer support to their partners. But this is often at the cost of their own comfort and well-being.

Ekta opines that men aren’t evil. They just are not as aware and sensitive to their partner’s needs. She says, “Society raises a boy with the unspoken message that someone will always manage his emotional world — first mothers, then wives.”

Most women also blindly adhere to these roles, accepting this as normalcy. Ekta explains that women may churn themselves in the process of providing for the other, but there are times of loneliness. She says, “Often I see women in therapy share how they share their partner’s stress but when she feels overwhelmed, they admit that they’re left alone.”