The High Cost of Mate Value Compensation

Selecting a partner can be tough. Sometimes, even compensatory. Yes, you read that right. Welcome to the hidden economics of love. The Mate Value Compensation (MVC) is all about compensating for something you lack. It could be looks, intellect or simply money. In other words, a Quid pro quo system where you give something for something else.

Count The Cost

“Mate Value Compensation is essentially when someone in a relationship feels like they’re bringing less to the table.” says Dr Shiromi Chaturvedi, Founder & Lead Counselling Psychologist, The Social Therapist. The factors of compensation could be many. A person may feel they have less to offer in terms of attractiveness, money or even one’s social status. Shiromi opines it’s here that individuals try to compensate for their perceived shortcomings. So, if a person feels they are not as good-looking as their partner. They would want to be earning better or provide intellectual compatibility so as to fill in the gaps on the beauty checklist. Many of these feelings stem up from self-lowering thoughts such as ‘I am not as attractive as my partner, so I need to be extremely successful’ or ‘I don’t earn as much, so I need to be physically attractive to my partner.’.

Calculating Mate Value

Many feel that Mate Value Compensation is converting the dating scene into a transactional marketplace. Dimple Jain, Consultant Psychologist at Healthy Future Advanced Physiotherapy, says, “Individuals assess what they and others bring to the table.” Every individual in this setup thinks of possessing a ‘mate value’. The Mate value is nothing but a sum of one’s qualities, attributes and achievements that contribute to their perceived desirability. Dimple quips, “Think of it as a human trade-off.” Dimple shares that MVC is like buying a house that needs tweaks here and there to make it perfect. With both individuals contributing something and taking something in return.

The Necessary Evil

Interestingly, society could be the major force behind MVC. “Family, communities and social media can all magnify the question -- Who married who?” says Dr Era Dutta, Consultant Psychiatrist and Mental Health creator, Founder of Mind Wellness. Era opines that arranged marriages and the concept of settling down are all examples of the Mate Value Compensation at work. While society may have its concerns for the good. Such concerns could shove down feelings of redundancy in individuals. People wanting to tie the knot may even feel that they must earn or deserve their partner.

Era says, “Women may feel an innate pressure to compensate with beauty or domestic skills while men would feel pressured to provide or earn more.” While nurturing the other may not be a bad thing. MVC can hamper relationships when done in excess. When a partner offers something out of love, appreciation or mutual respect, it serves as a safe depository for feelings. “But when the same stems from a place of fear, inferiority or one-sidedness, it gets emotionally draining,” says Era. Dr Shiromi adds, “When the compensation becomes performative, self-sacrificial or tied to your basic sense of worth in the relationship, it becomes damaging.”

Right Values & Ways

Mate Value Compensation isn’t an evil tendency. If it’s in the right amounts, it may be all about maintaining a healthy balance. However, in excess it could be a perfect recipe for disaster. Relationships can’t be transactional 24x7. Dr Era says, “Relationships thrive better when the focus is on shared values and compatibility not transactional.” The ‘I offer this, you offer that’ is more about showcasing insecurities. Dimple opines it’s all about one’s intention. She explains that when partners work as a team in complementary roles, it proves beneficial. However, when it turns into a trade-off, it indicates an unhealthy pattern.

Possible Reasons for MVC

• Insecurities: (I am not attractive/smart/successful)

• Societal norms of measuring self-worth

• Past rejection or heartbreak

(if someone was dumped or bullied for not being thin or educated)

• Social media’s comparison of culture

• Childhood Conditioning and trauma

Remedial Ways to Navigate through MVC

Seek Therapy: This would unpack certain self-shunning beliefs.

Have Open Conversations: This would help to open up to your partner about fears, insecurities or perceived imbalances.

Secure Bonds: Don’t develop an anxious attachment. Develop secure bonds that feel like a safe haven to deposit emotions.