OF CABBAGES AND KINGS | Heralding Global Doom Or Bonanza? World In A Tizzy On Possibilities Of AI | Farrukh Dhondy

“I’m unique!

As a drop is in an ocean?

But hear the words I write and speak!

Really? Have you no f***ing notion?

That a million scribblers have gone before --

Some have written gospels to last for evermore

--You are nobody, one in a crowd

Say ‘I am nothing!’ proclaim it loud!”

From Goal Mall: Destination Shopping, by Bachchoo

It makes strides towards cures for cancer, provides photographs of Sir Keir Starmer in a bikini; undresses women and even children for perverts; answers examination or thesis questions; threatens mass unemployment; eliminates government bureaucracy all over the world; confuses Greenland with Iceland, Beijing with Taiwan, says Viktor Orban rules Turkey… No, sorry that last was not AI, that was the President of the United States.

Nevertheless, AI is probably the most useful and threatening invention/discovery since science provided the key to splitting the atom -- giving us nuclear energy, Hiroshima and Nagasaki and now the proliferating threat of undemocratic theocracies and autocracies acquiring nuclear bombs.

Every magazine or newssheet seems to feature deliberations on the powers, dangers, possibilities of AI. Some of them are apocalyptic predictions, others about the benefits that this undoubtedly huge scientific step promises. And there are articles about the criminal misuse of AI and then even funny pieces about AI’s egregious blunders. Greenland as Iceland, anyone?

I haven’t made use of AI, though a friend insistently downloaded an app on my phone and said I should get AI to write screenplays for me: “just give them the gist of a plot and AI will flesh it out and even write scenes”.

I haven’t done any of that but I know he uses AI to generate stories and refers to his “AI ‘assistant’” by some cute female name. (Though I love and respect this friend, I find that in bad taste and really pathetic.)

Even so, a positive story: Together with several of my activist colleagues from the past decades, I belong to a group called the Darcus Howe Legacy Collective.

My late fried Darcus was one of the most prominent voices, in print, on TV and in the world of radical activist politics representing the black and Asian new communities of Britain.

The DHLC was formed to commemorate his achievements and keep his contribution to justice and progress in Britain’s contemporary history alive.

Towards this aim, perhaps with a certain degree of frivolity, one of our collective asked AI to write articles in Darcus’ style and “voice” on a couple of contemporary political issues. I have to say, the results in two instances were convincing and even impressive. I could actually hear him formulating the opinions AI did on his behalf. Scary?

Inspired by these, even as I write this, I thought I should try it out and ask AI to compose a column on a contemporary subject -- let’s say ex-Prince Andrew and the Jeffrey Epstein files, in the style of this very column: an AI-generated Cabbages and Kings. Hold your breath:

“In the labyrinthine corridors of power and privilege, where secrets intertwine with silence, the saga of Andrew and Epstein emerge -- not merely as tale of scandal, but as a stark reflection of the rot at the heart of the establishment.

“This story unravels, not just as a narrative of individual failings, but as the symptoms of a system that shields its own, even as it devours the vulnerable.

“Andrew, the once-charismatic Duke of York, seemed for decades to skate untouchably on the water of royal immunity, his missteps brushed away like ephemeral smudges on the grandeur of monarchy. Enter Jeffrey Epstein, the enigmatic financier whose orbit was synonymous with exploitation and duplicity.

“The meeting of these two worlds -- aristocratic privilege and sordid criminal enterprise -- was less a collision and more a conflation of shared impunity…”

And so, it eloquently goes on, using metaphors of skating on waters, etc, which wouldn’t have occurred to me. The piece is also dotted with allusion to what AI (shall we call him “Ali”? --fd. Stop contradicting yourself --Ed) sees as my style: “With his trademark blend of social critique and cultural commentary…”

Etc. OK, one is used to the occasional complimentary remarks from a generous book reviewer, but coming from the contemporary God-of-all-analytical-perception… Oh dear!

What is lacking in the piece is any new insight. It is an elegant summary of the character and status of Andrew and Epstein but it doesn’t tell the reader anything that he or she may not already know… I don’t mean some new discovery, news or gossip. I mean an analytical insight which is unique and fresh.

And now to check if AI can solve mysteries?

Readers of this column will know that each week it is prefaced with a quote from the copious library of works by Bachchoo. Now nothing is known about Bachchoo, except that he lived in a place called “Bachchoo ka adda”, so it was obvious that I would want to see if AI could solve the mystery. I ventured to ask, and here’s what I found:

AI says that Bachchoo is the pseudonym of the last Mughal Emperor, Bahadur Shah Zaffar. Really??? It also says that it is the name adopted by the Hindi satirist Shard Joshi or a Trinidadian writer called Satnarine Bachchoo… and a Mauritian politician and a Bulgarian wrestler… So that’s solved. God bless AI!