Krishna Shastri Devulapalli | How Pure Swadeshi AI Saved the Day…

As readers of my column (all three of them) are aware, I have never shied away from admitting that I come to things slowly. Evidence: I saw Titanic for the first (and last) time in 2019, shifted to flat-fronts from pleated trousers, ironically, when pleats made a comeback, and, to this day, search for the gear lever around the steering wheel and continue being baffled that it’s missing. So, it’s no wonder, that while the rest of the world has been revelling for a while in the miracle of ChatGPT, I discovered its pleasures rather recently.

And like the rest of the world, I, too, was blown away by it. Ask it anything, and it gives such cogent responses, in an orderly fashion, bullet points and all, and even provides a summary at the end, dammit.

Two days later, having had every single financial, connubial and existential doubt I had cleared by this Alladin’s lamp called AI, I found there was something missing in the exercise. In these exchanges, where was our culture, our greatness, our tradition, I say? The give-and-take lacked warmth, soul and the Indianness I crave in all interactions.

This was when Neighbour Ambujam Mami came to my rescue. She introduced me to a lesser-known AI tool called Surgicalstroke AI. (It isn’t available for everyone yet, btw. But it soon will be. And take the world by storm, trust me.)

“Use it to your heart’s content, my boy,” said Ambujam Mami, before disappearing in a flash of purple Kanjeevaram, leaving me drenched in the aroma of mallipoo. “You won’t be disappointed.”

So here are some of the exchanges I had with my new bff, Surgicalstroke AI.

Me: I’m planning to go on a trip to Europe a couple of months from now. Could you suggest a two-week plan for me in which I visit two countries, where the weather is pleasant and I get to experience nature, art, history and culture?

Surgicalstroke AI: I have a better plan for you. Forget Europe. We suggest you use the same time to visit seven places of high spiritual value in our own country, the greatest country in the world, a country respected by all the world leaders, a country that makes the heads of enemy states wear adult diapers. Please click on the link below and Jhanak Jhanak Payal Baje Tours will give Dussehra discount. Don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.

Me: I would like to know once and for all whether Einstein was right, or Niels Bohr. Do you think the deterministic view of the universe, that particles have definite properties regardless of whether they are being observed or not is correct? Or do you think Bohr was right with his probabilistic view, of measurement influencing the state of a quantum system?

Surgicalstroke AI: Both of them are wrong. In our ancient book, Khwantopatantra, written by Sage Makanicabhatt in 2342 BC (Western powers changed ‘khwanto’ to quantum and ‘makanika’ became mechanics, please note), it was clearly stated that particles behave in different ways depending on various factors. Female particles are obedient and make ginger tea for father-in-law particles, while male particles are brave and defeat enemy particles. Younger particles will touch the feet of elder particles because that is our culture. And superior particles will puff out their chest, do lol, and tell inferior particles to go to Pakistan when they ask stupid questions. Now sit down.

Me: I ask this for a friend. He has been married for ten years. He feels that that crucial factor, intimacy, is missing from his life. He feels that though he makes every effort to spend quality time with his wife, goes on drives and holidays, there is a distance between them. Can you tell him why this is happening, and give him a step-by-step plan to improve the situation?

Surgicalstroke AI: What your friend is seeing as a problem is a boon. How long can one sit at home and stare at the wife’s face? Even if she looks like Wamiqa Gabbi. How can India become a superpower if people like your friend are wasting their time on developing intimacy?

Here’s a plan for your friend:

Begin working for 70 hours a week.

Listen to the spiritual discourses of Guruji Murchananda for motivation.

Increase work hours to 75 per week.

Forward Guruji’s discourses on the ascetic’s life to wife.

Increase turnover.

Undo damage done by Mughals.

Me: As an unsuccessful writer hoping to find ways to increase my readership, I would like to know what drives discerning readers of quality fiction to buy books by Indian writers: 1. Is price a factor? If so, what is the ideal price they look for? 2. Are Indian readers willing to pay more if the book has more pages? 3. Are Indian readers ‘brand conscious’, meaning are they more inclined to buy books which are published by the big-name publishers?

Surgicalstroke AI: As my cousin sister is getting married today, I will not be available all of this week. I am busy with my new outfit fittings and practising my dance routine for the sangeet ceremony. Why don’t you just Google the answers? And next time, ask the question in Kannada, useless fellow.