Krishna Shastri Devulapalli | How A Safe Space Triggered My Trauma

Not too long ago, friendships, romantic partnerships, and business relationships ended because one person couldn’t tolerate the smell of the other’s hair oil, hated the way they chewed or found their taste in bhajans appalling. And one of them punched the other in the nose to announce the termination of a relationship. Those were good times, trust me.

Today, everyone is a psychology major, and their starting point for every disagreement is trauma. For instance, recently, someone I know leapt over a counter with surprising agility considering her size, caught the chef in a headlock, and recited Sivaji Ganesan’s monologue from Parasakthi to him as he fought for his life. Because the buffet had ran out of puris. She called it trauma.

Listen, all you psychobabblers out there, using big words wrongly just because it permits you to be tardy, excessive or rude, I’m going to share a few here so ordinary folk like me can protect themselves somewhat.

Let’s start with ‘boundaries’. Here’s the thing about boundaries. Because everyone is talking about them these days, and most are getting it wrong. People think the boundaries they draw pertain only to themselves. No, sir. That’s not how boundaries work. The very same tailormade boundary you have drawn to protect yourself, and ensure your well-being, gets automatically drawn for everyone else to protect them from you.

Every time you change the shape or thickness of your boundary, voilà, it magically changes for everyone in your ambit. Same shape, same size, same thickness, same permeability, an exact clone of your boundary.

The best example of a boundary is the two blue ticks on WhatsApp. If you change your privacy setting to ‘turn off read receipts’, you automatically turn it off for all your contacts.

How about ‘triggered’ next. Everyone on social media is apparently triggered now.

You say something — measured enough, you’d think — and someone or the other is triggered.

What does that mean?

It basically means they absolve themselves of the responsibility to remain courteous in their responses. Holster that gun, friends. This isn’t the Wild West. And you’re not Wild Bill Hickock. Make sure that safety catch is on, and load that Colt with blanks if you must.

I disagree with most things most people say on social media. But I exercise my right to not respond. Because I don’t see what they’re saying as an invitation to a duel at high noon. Perhaps the so-called triggers of most people have become hair-triggers precisely because they’re walking around with their forefingers constantly caressing those wretched things.

(I’m going to bet that this piece is going to ‘trigger’ someone.)

Here’s another favourite: safe space.

I dread it when someone tells me I’m their safe space, because, sooner or later, I know that I am going to become the opposite. Why? Because they have understood the term ‘safe space’ wrong.

What kind of person is a safe space? To my understanding, it is anyone who gives space to another to be vulnerable without judging them, never using that vulnerability against them. Being a safe space doesn’t include giving blanket permission and encouragement for everything one does. A safe space isn’t a place that validates one’s indulgences. That isn’t a safe space. That’s an enabler. And an enabler, ironically, is an unsafe space. (See how I used a term correctly.)

Then there is ‘expectations’. Yes, this isn’t a purely psychological term, but I see people, when questioned, using this term to get out of responsibility, reciprocity.

‘You seem to have unfair expectations of me.’

I’ve heard this more than a couple of times — from friends/family/colleagues — whenever I’ve made my displeasure known, courteously, mind you, and addressed my concerns.

My response has always been the same.

‘I have no expectations of you whatsoever. I just have prerequisites for myself.’

Wanting, and demanding, courtesy, promptness, fairness, acknowledgement, why, even gratitude, aren’t expectations. That’s bare minimum. Both ways.

Then there is ‘self-care’. Saw this article about a Bollywood star recently with the headline “… celebrates Valentine’s Day with her sister… indulging in self-care”.

How, man? How? How can you ‘indulge’ in ‘self-care’? Indulge is the opposite of self-care.

Going to a spa and having someone put baby oil in your ****-crack, getting a nose job, going off on a boy-gang holiday and letting it all hang out — those don’t come under self-care. They are self-indulgence.

People seem to use the word self-care when they mean self-indulgence. Self-care involves attending to one’s needs, like rest, nutritious food, exercise, solitude, quiet. Often, it requires doing less. Not more. You can’t buy self-care. You learn it. You practise it.

Self-indulgence, on the other hand, involves attending to one’s wants — which we often confuse for our needs.

Also, while we’re at it, when you ask a man a question or you put him in a place where he has to respond, explain something to you, that isn’t mansplaining. Yes, mansplaining is rampant but this isn’t it. This is just a man giving you an explanation. That you asked for.

Finally, look sharp whenever you hear anyone say narcissist, gaslighting, trauma bonding and OCD. Most often, that’s ultracrepidarianism.