A Malayali gay's revelations
Kishor couldn't bear the thought of marrying a woman, after knowing fully well that he could not fall in love with one.
This story happens at a time when terms like LGBT and gay rights were not so easily used – in Kerala. Kishor Kumar was young and excelling in school in Kozhikode. He was too young to know that his being different was anything to worry about. The differences were apparent very early, as happy attractions towards other young boys in class. But when he finished school and got in college, the silence he had to keep became a pain. He felt alone. He read about gay men in other parts of the world but didn't know what to do with his own feelings. So they ended up unsaid, unexpressed, suppressed.
He continued excelling in studies, going to the REC (now NIT) for engineering, getting placed in Wipro, going for higher studies to IIT Kanpur, finding a well-paying corporate job in Delhi and later in the US. Finally, there came a time he felt he could tell the folks at his home – parents and the many siblings – and then come out online, through the website he lovingly nurtured – Ragakairali – for he loved music. Now, Kishor has put that story of his in a book, along with the many articles he has been writing on the subject for years - Randu Purushanmar Chumbikumbol (When two men kiss).
"Of the dozen articles in the book, only half are specifically written for the book. The other half contains articles that I wrote and published in magazines and journals from 2005 to 2016. Coming out is a life-long process. My very first coming out, back in 2004 when I was in the US, was on my music-related website Ragakairali which did a ragam-wise listing of Malayalam film songs. This was a modest coming out, limited to Malayalam film-song and Carnatic music lovers. The love and acceptance I got from there gave me the energy to extend my coming out further to blogs and subsequently to print media articles," Kishor writes in an email interview. He has been particular about it being a written interview. He didn't want his words changed, even a slight misquote could offend, for homosexuality is still a very sensitive topic in Kerala.
But we are steadily progressing, Kishor feels. "Acceptance comes with awareness and positive role models. Kerala is the most literate state and we value human dignity and minority rights. I definitely see a bright future for the LGBT community in Kerala," he says. There was a time he thought going to the US may help. That was the time he was old enough to get married, and after his elder siblings got married, he knew it'd be his turn.
Kishor couldn't bear the thought of marrying a woman, after knowing fully well that he could not fall in love with one. "To me, my 10 years in the US was like a self-imposed exile. I was literally running away from the inevitable arranged marriage, which is one of the biggest headaches for Indian gays and lesbians. When I left, I thought I will never come back. But you slowly realise that you cannot give up your Indian identity or Malayali identity just because you are gay. It's an integral part of your gay identity. I can never imagine giving up my Indian citizenship and taking up American citizenship. And all self-imposed exiles have to end at some point!"
It is just that Americans are too busy with their own lives to meddle in others'. "West has progressed a lot on LGBT rights and gay marriages are legalised in America. So yes, it is free and unquestioned. But in the US mainstream society, an Indian immigrant is always an outsider. Race, language, cultural aspects etc. form a big factor in choosing life partners. So, gay rights in mainstream America do not automatically trickle down to immigrants there. One chapter in my book is specifically on the dilemmas faced by Indian LGBT immigrants in western countries," he says.
For Kishor, the getaway had always been music. He drowned all his sorrows with music. His passion made him start Ragakairali and eventually that's where he first came out in public. "Thanks to the power of music, I did not get any negative reactions. I was nervous but at the same time had the psychological instincts to know that it would eventually turn out ok," says Kishor, for whom becoming a playback singer is a dream.
He is also into literature and Madhavikutty (Kamala Surayya) is his all-time favourite. "Basheer, M. T. Vasudevan Nair, VKN etc. are also close to heart. I am glad that I grew up during the golden era of Malayalam cinema, the 80s and 90s. So Bharathan, Padmarajan, Hariharan etc are highly regarded. I also love the current new generation writers and directors who are open to discuss issues like gender-equality, LGBT etc."
It is his autobiography – perhaps the first by a gay man from Kerala – that an Indian reader would find intriguing, his gay life spanning through Kerala, Bengaluru, Kanpur, Delhi and the US. Rest of the book deals with human rights, psychology, politics, literature studies, film studies, interviews, etc, about same-sex love. He is planning an English translation so it could reach a wider audience.