Micro-cheating Mainly Triggered by Emotional Dissatisfaction, Say Psychologists

“It’s been a year since we have been together,” said Abhishek, a law student from Hyderabad. “However, after a fight we had one day, I saw her text her ex for the first time. They were not physical, but she confided in him,” he said, adding that it was not cheating but it felt almost the same.

Popularised by Australian psychologist Melanie Schilling, the concept of micro-cheating refers to actions by an individual that indicate physical or emotional focus on someone outside one’s relationship.

According to Shivani Misri Saadhoo, psychologist and marriage counsellor, micro-cheating is an act that might not amount to physical infidelity but still is able to blur the lines of emotional loyalty in a relationship. “Liking or commenting flirtatiously on a person’s social media posts, texting your ex regularly, hiding messages or calls from your partner, or denying a relationship with someone you are emotionally close to. It is usually not about the act itself, but the intention behind it—particularly, if it involves emotional investment, secrecy, or crossing limits your partner will be comfortable with.”

However, these lines are to each their own. While a dinner with a former partner might not bother the current partner in one relationship, it could be an act of betrayal and a source of growing breach of trust between another couple. “Red flags in micro-cheating are subjective. It is truly based on personal boundaries and how emotionally linked two individuals are in a relationship,” Sadhoo said.

An individual hiding a flirtatious message from their partner might be normal for one, while a red flag for the other. Either of whom are not supposed to feel bad about the way they feel, she said.

But why do people micro-cheat?

Micro-cheating is not always about the desire or intention to cheat. Explaining this, Sadhoo said, “At times, this is about getting attention, validation, or excitement that may be missing in their present relationship. It may also come through emotional dissatisfaction, when someone feels unwanted and unheard, unappreciated, or no attachment from their partner. In certain cases, this is about keeping options open, even if they never plan to work on it.”

“Ego boosting, boredom, or unresolved feelings for a person outside the relationship can play a role. Micro-cheating mostly points towards an emotional gap, either within an individual or within the relationship, that has never been addressed,” she said.

According to Dr Vishal Akula, professor of psychiatry, micro-cheating gained popularity after the rise of social media, dating apps, and digital communication, which have largely blurred emotional boundaries. “As emotional and mental health gain more recognition, behaviours once dismissed are now being acknowledged as significant,” Prof. Akula said and cited Dr Nikki Goldstein,a relationship expert in San Francisco arguing in (2017 that terms like micro-cheating helped couples identify and articulate emotional boundaries in a tech-driven world.

Shruti Singh, literature student at a university, said micro-cheating was just another entry in the ever-growing dictionary of ‘how many unnecessary buzzwords can we introduce in a year’. She said, “They give complex emotions a term to simplify. A few days ago gas-lighting was the term. Recently it was breadcrumbing and now micro-cheating. Brain loves such categories. But this stuff has always existed.”

“It’s not always about desire, sometimes it’s just the ease of connection like with friends. A heart emoji isn’t a confession. It’s a moment. A joke with someone attractive isn’t betrayal, it is chemistry with boundaries. Relationships are not about never crossing a line. They’re about knowing where your lines are and respecting theirs. And if both know the lines, even blurred moments don’t mean the end,” said Singh.

For Manish Saiyyani, an artist, every action speaks louder than ‘no, it didn't mean anything!’. “Nothing like this exists. Everything means everything if it means something to your partner or, probably a situationship. If the person you are connected with is bothered about you smiling at your phone but not with them, it is a problem. And yes, it needs to be addressed.”

Micro-cheating extends beyond just a text, or a subtle digital affair, and also includes emotional secrecy, which is just as damaging. Speaking of this, Dr Akula said, “When someone hides their emotions from another person, it can trigger insecurity in the primary relationship and is often termed as ‘emotional betrayal’ – which hurts more than physical cheating in long-term relationships.”

It all jots down to one thing: How would you make your partner feel after understanding how they feel.

After identifying your partner’s uneasiness, it’s best to have a conversation with them. It might even result in clarity about an old unresolved, or unaddressed conversation between two people. This works the other way around too. When a partner’s behaviour seems off, it is better to address it, but in a tone of curiosity, rather than accusatory.

Communication builds trust. Going on a solo bachelor’s trip before marriage might not be fundamentally wrong if it’s a two-person discussion with clear boundaries drawn. “Going on a bachelor’s trip solo prior to the marriage is not wrong by itself, however, breaking mutually agreed-upon limitations during the trip is not acceptable. Each relationship has its own set of rules, and if you stray outside those, it is a breach of trust. This is less regarding the trip and more regarding the respect you show for your partner.”

These limitations might at times spiral into someone believing their personal space is not being respected. For this reason, it is important to occasionally treat their partner’s issue as their personal. “If something does not feel correct if the roles were interchanged, it perhaps is not,” Sadhoo said.

But what if it isn’t official yet, or has recently transitioned from a hookup to a relationship? Dr Akula said that the likelihood of blurred emotional boundaries grows when two people perceive their collusion as a “no strings attached”, or have recently acknowledged their feelings for each other. “Emotional attachment activates brain regions associated with addiction and reward, which can heighten the emotional impact of perceived betrayal, even without physical infidelity,” he said.

Sharing her experience, a 26-year-old event manager, told Deccan Chronicle, “We had met at an event, and connected immediately. Nobody other than him understood my puns so instantly as him. It started off as a casual affair, we met often; and then one day, admitted to each other that there was a spark and that we should be together.”

She said that just weeks after they started seeing each other to try on a “real relationship”, she found herself second-guessing about what can be asked, and what shouldn’t be. “I was not sure if I should even ask him whether he has reached home, asking about who this ‘new’ female friend he spends so much time talking to was a far-fetched dream.”

In such a case, the focus should not just be on communicating but on defining your own expectations too. “Undefined relationships are more prone to emotional tension due to unclear expectations. Openly discussing relationship boundaries is essential before interpreting or addressing micro-cheating,” said Dr Akula.

Official, but not sure if it is exclusive? Dr Akula said that as per a research published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (2019), 60 per cent of the dating app users feel unsure about exclusivity, despite several dates together. “It needs to be addressed at a very early stage of the relationship,” he said.

Although communication is the key, it’s ease is not a one-size-that-fits-for-all. While the society operates on presumptions of straight being faithful and gay being unfaithful, the conversation around micro-cheating can become even more layered for bisexual individuals.

A home-maker spoke to Deccan Chronicle about how for her partner, merely the fact that she was a bisexual, doubled the chances of her cheating on him. “I have often felt judged and have found myself downplaying parts of myself when in a relationship. Not just people from a different gender, but my partner often feels worried when he finds me indulging with someone from the same gender too.”

She further said, “It all feels much better when we both speak our heart out and tell each other how we feel, sit together, and figure out what can be done to treat this insecurity.”

Micro-cheating is not the end of a relationship, it is the start of honest dialogue. It is the building of an ecosystem where - whether figured out or unfigured out - compassion goes a long way.

· According to Shivani Misri Saadhoo, psychologist and marriage counsellor, micro-cheating is an act that might not amount to physical infidelity but still is able to blur the lines of emotional loyalty in a relationship.

· An individual hiding a flirtatious message from their partner might be normal for one, while a red flag for the other. Either of whom are not supposed to feel bad about the way they feel.

· At times, this is about getting attention, validation, or excitement that may be missing in their present relationship. It may also come through emotional dissatisfaction,

· After identifying your partner’s uneasiness, it’s best to have a conversation with them. It might even result in clarity about an old unresolved, or unaddressed conversation between two people.

· This works the other way around too. When a partner’s behaviour seems off, it is better to address it, but in a tone of curiosity, rather than accusatory.