Ankur Warikoo on Boundaries, Influence and the Cost of Saying Yes

Speaking about his book, Warikoo says the idea grew from deeply ingrained Indian beliefs around sacrifice and self-denial. “Growing up in Indian culture, we have a very sacrificing definition of what a relationship should be,” he says. “It’s almost always placing others in front of ourselves. It’s almost always thinking that being selfish is wrong.”

According to Warikoo, the mistake many people make is assuming that caring for themselves automatically means hurting others. “I genuinely believe that you can place yourself and others at the same level and do justice to both in wonderful ways,” he says. That realisation, however, did not come easily. “It took me 45 years to get to this point. I wouldn’t prescribe the person I was at 20 or even in my thirties to anybody.”

The book, he explains, is written especially for a generation overwhelmed by content, comparison and constant pressure. “The youth of today is so surrounded by media, by FOMO, by constant comparison, and also living with a generation that tells them very different things about how to live, how to survive, how to compete and how to play it safe. It’s a very difficult territory to navigate.”

One of the biggest challenges, Warikoo says, is the idea that setting boundaries is selfish. He traces this back to a zero-sum mindset. “At some point in time, we were a country where for somebody to win, somebody had to lose. If someone else was winning, something was taken away from you.” That thinking, he believes, is changing. “In the last 20–25 years, we have moved to a more positive-sum mindset. You can win and let others win. You can attend to your needs and attend to others’ needs.”

This shift, he feels, is still uncomfortable. “This generation is going through a very interesting transition. We won’t have this conversation 20 years from now because people will be more comfortable attending to themselves and others.”

Warikoo also challenges the idea that influence comes from being loud or authoritative. “Influence is about being understood, not being loud,” he says. He criticises performative respect rooted in hierarchy. “Just because someone stands up when you enter the room doesn’t mean they respect you. True respect is what is spoken about you when you are not in the room.”

Agreement, he adds, has nothing to do with age, designation or experience. “Agreement is simply saying you said something I agree with. That doesn’t happen by force. It happens through conversation, empathy and understanding.”

When it comes to the workplace, Warikoo believes high performers often make a critical mistake. “They assume the pace of learning should be the same for everyone.” He contrasts older career trajectories with today’s faster, tech-enabled growth. “We came from a slow, methodical system. This generation wants promotions faster, responsibility earlier, and they have the tools and audacity to do it.”

Trying to slow them down, he warns, hurts organisations. “High performers slow down other high-potential performers. Technology is far superior, environments are more forgiving, and risk-taking is higher. Naturally, progress will be faster.”

Managing emotional energy, Warikoo says, starts with the self. “You can only manage emotional energy in a relationship if you attend to your own needs first.” Many people, he believes, look to others to fill gaps they haven’t addressed themselves. “If you don’t know how to love yourself, you will look for love in others. If you don’t respect yourself, you will want others to respect you.”

This self-neglect, he says, is compounded by modern habits. “The first thing most people do when they wake up is pick up the phone. You don’t know what you will see. It could trigger jealousy, anxiety or comparison. It’s like jumping off your balcony, hoping you will be saved.”

If readers take just one idea from his book, Warikoo says it should be this: “Attend to yourself before you attend to the world.” He shares a personal story of idolising Superman and wanting to save everyone. “I was exhausted, completely exhausted. I had a saviour mindset and never listened to myself.”

Attending to oneself, he explains, looks different for different people. “It could be not picking up the phone in the morning, setting boundaries, walking away from relationships that harm you after you have tried your best. The headline remains the same.”

In a rapid-fire reflection, Warikoo says he wishes he had set boundaries earlier with his parents. “I saw them as parents first and humans later. They were humans first, then parents — subject to mistakes like everyone else.”

One phrase people should rethink at work? “Yes,” he says. “Before every yes, there is a no you are saying to something else. Sometimes the cost of that no is too high.”

The loudest relationship red flag, according to him, is “someone who doesn’t respect who you are and is constantly trying to change you.” The most overrated leadership trait? “Leading people with one voice. Leadership should get harder with more people, not easier.”

Asked whether silence or confrontation is harder, Warikoo doesn’t hesitate. “Silence. It’s insanely hard to say no to everything you want to express in the moment.”

And the emotion Indians avoid expressing the most? “The truth,” he says. “We hide the truth because we don’t want anyone to feel bad. Relationships would be completely different if we spoke the truth.”

The message circles back to where it began — self-respect. Winning, Warikoo insists, should never come at the cost of losing yourself.