We may have heard of the term “the language of love” and thought of it as something romantic, or dreamy or idealistic. In relationship counseling, however, “love languages” are a practical and strong way of understanding what your partner needs, and for your partner to gain the same insights into your wants and desires. The term “love languages” was coined by noted relationship therapist Dr Gary Chapman, and he delved into the subject in great detail in his book Five Love Languages. Simply put, Dr Chapman says that there are five common ways in which couples express and understand their love for each other. Now here’s the problem — your love language may not be the same as that of your partner’s. In other words, what you value as important in the context of love and romance and togetherness may not be the same things your partner does. Understanding what is important to both of you in the context of your relationship is essential to having a more meaningful relationship.
The five languages
Based on his therapeutic work with couples for over 30 years, Dr Chapman says that there are five love languages. These are: Affirmation (expressing love through words of praise, appreciation, gratitude etc), Acts of Service (showing you care through your actions — by doing things for your partner), Gifting (where gifts serve as tokens of the love and esteem you have for your better half), Quality Time (where the amount of time you devote to your partner is seen as a direct measure of your love) and Physical Touch (sex, intimacy, contact etc).
We all speak different languages
Just as we all speak different languages (or the same language in different accents) depending on where we come from, our “love languages” too are different. You may value “acts of service” very highly, and go out of your way to do thoughtful things for your partner. You may believe that your actions speak louder than words. But if your partner speaks the love language of “affirmation” — and is expecting praise, encouragement and romantic professions of love from you — then the fact that you ensure the petrol tank is full whenever he/she takes out the car or that you prepare their favourite meal on a weekend, may not satisfy them.
So how do you get on the same page?
Each couple needs to figure out which of these love languages is more important to them — it may be one, or two or a combination of all five. While a little bit of introspection can definitely help the two of you get on the same page, Dr Chapman has also created a questionnaire with 30 sentences (the full quiz is available online, just search for the “love languages quiz”). Now, each of these sentences begins with the words: “It is more meaningful to me when….” And then there are options that are labelled into the categories A, B, C, D and E.
‘A’ options include answers like: “…when my partner compliments me on my appearance” or “…when my partner says something very encouraging to me”.
‘B’ options include: “…when my partner doesn’t check his/her phone when we’re talking” or “…when I get to spend time in a shared activity or hobby with my partner”.
‘C’ options include: “…when my partner brings me a gift when he/she has been away on a trip” or “…when I get a gift knowing that my partner put a lot of thought into choosing it for me”.
‘D’ options include: “…when my partner offers to run errands for me” or “…when my partner takes care of something when I’m feeling too stressed to do it myself”.
‘E’ options include: “…when my partner and I embrace after we’ve been apart for a while” or “…when we touch constantly during the day”.
If you have lots of ‘A’ answers, then “affirmation” is important to you, ‘B’ implies “quality time”, ‘C’ stands for “receiving gifts”, ‘D’ for “acts of service” and ‘E’ for “physical touch”.
When you know what’s important to your partner (and your partner understands the same thing about you) then you’re more likely to have fewer disagreements.
