Don’t hide adoption from kids

CHENNAI: The shocking suicide of a teenage boy after his parents told him that he had been adopted, raises questions on the right age to tell a child that it has been adopted and the best way to convey the information.

Many assume that when a child is older, it would be more prepared to receive such information. However, social workers suggest that a child as young as three will more readily accept the information than an adolescent.

Andal Damodaran, president, Indian Council for Child Welfare, Tamil Nadu, and a former chairperson of Central Adoption Resource agency, said the foremost rule when it comes to adopting is that it should not be kept a secret. “Any good agency will also make sure that it informs the parents about the importance of letting the child know as early as possible.”

Besides the fact that the impact of the shock is much more if the child is told when he or she becomes older, Damodaran said that giving the information late would also lead to the child believing that everything about its life has been a lie and the child will refuse to trust anyone.

"The teenage phase is already a very difficult time for any child, be it a biological child or an adopted child, and during this time it is a great risk to tell a child that it is an adopted one because it is difficult to predict how they would react," she added.

The reason behind parents wanting to keep adoption a secret is also attributed to the fact that in Indian society, it is still something that people don’t accept. “Abroad, people are open to adoption and therefore they are able to be open about it to their children. Here, parents think that after they adopt the child they can cut all ties with the adoption agency because they want to hide it from their relatives, but they don’t realise that unless they are constantly receiving counselling, the child could be negatively affected,” said Girija Kumar Babu, joint secretary, ICCW.