Are you meant to be with each other?

When experts — marriage therapists, family counsellors, researchers who work in the domain of romantic love and relationships — work with couples, what are the signs that they look for to predict how successful that couple’s relationship will be? What determines whether or not a couple will “go the distance” and have a satisfying life together? The answer — they say — does not lie in passion or even in “strength” of love or how perfectly their interests match each other. Instead, the answer may lie in simpler, everyday gestures, experts report. How kind and compassionate are you to your partner? How do you respond to them when they speak to you? How do you fight with each other? What are your attitudes towards each other? These are just some of the behaviours experts observe when they work with couples, and we’ve collated all of their findings here for you. How does your relationship compare on these parameters? Can these findings provide you and your partner with cues for your own behaviour? Let’s find out!

The concept of ‘bidding’ is an important one in relationships — especially of the romantic, long-term sort. It was first discussed by Dr John Gottman, who has done a lot of work in the field of marital stability. He wrote that partners in a relationship make “bids” for each other’s attention. How the other responds is key. He believed that a partner either “turns towards” or “turns away” from his/her significant other’s bid for attention. Responding to something their partner said with disinterest, nonchalance or not responding at all indicates “turning away”. The other partner’s bid for attention in this case is left unanswered. Repeated over a period of time, this kind of behaviour can lead to deep unhappiness in the other partner, prompting them to distance themselves from the relationship. On the other hand, responding positively or with enthusiasm indicates “turning towards” your partner. A partner who has his/her bid thus rewarded or reciprocated will naturally be happier and equally responsive

in turn.

The strongest couples aren’t those who never fight — it’s those couples who fight fair. Experts point out that the couple that never fights or expresses any “big emotions” (rage etc) may actually be suppressing real issues for the sake of “maintaining the peace” — but when it all erupts, as it inevitably must, the confrontation is all the more bitter and ugly.

Experts look for certain cues in conflicts between couples — with “criticism” and “contempt” for each other being the most negative. Criticism is expressed when you make a person the problem instead of a specific behaviour by him/her: “You’re so lazy” instead of “I’d really like to have your help with the chores”. Contempt is expressed not just through your words, but through behaviour like rolling your eyes, sneering or otherwise mocking your partner through your gestures.

It is not the SEVERITY of your arguments that will determine whether or not you will stay together — it is how you choose to MAKE UP. Being able to communicate with each other openly and resolving to move forward is the key to working through major arguments for a couple that wants to “last”.

Surprise, surprise! Relationship experts say that one of the greatest predictors of marital stability is the kindness and compassion partners show towards each other.

Experts have put forward a concept called “active kindness” — now what does it mean to be actively kind to your partner? It certainly does not mean never displaying anger, annoyance or sadness — wat it means is that you monitor how you show these emotions to your partner. This is where the way you argue comes in, the way you respond to their “bids for attention” comes in. Active kindness provides your partner with the validation, comfort and understanding that they need — and them providing the same to you. Active kindness also means being very aware of the boundaries that neither of you will cross, as you know just how hurtful that would be to the other. “Mutual effort, genuine interest, openness and willingness to see the other’s point of view” — these are the other behaviours that experts classify under active

kindness.

It’s a simple enough observation that experts make: A happy couple tends to touch each other a lot more than an unhappy one. And what’s equally important, how often does your partner respond to your touch with one of his/her own? The “reciprocity” of touching is another strong predictor for marital stability, say experts. Now you may think that just because you have a very active sex life, that you’re all good in the “touch” department. But a couple that has a good sex life can still be remarkably dysfunctional in other areas. So you need to monitor your non-bedroom touching. What’s your body language towards each other like, when you’re not making love? Do you face towards each other, or away? Do you hold your arms across your chest when you speak to your partner — or erect some other “barrier” between the two of you? Do you often have your back to your partner at an angle where you are physically “shutting them out”? Focus on being “open” in your body language, and you’ll see a change in how your partner perceives your attitude as well.