Partnering up

But it’s a decision that does require considerable thought. This is going to be the person you parent your kids with, and Tim further breaks it down into some numbers: You will share with your partner about 100 vacations; 20,000 meals; and the person whose day you will hear about at least 18,000 times. Seems like a lot put into figures like that doesn’t it?

So, why do we still not put in as much introspection and effort into figuring out if the one we’ve decided to spend the rest of our life with, is really “it”?

As a single person, your idea of a romantic partner rarely matches the person you actually end up with later. And this isn’t just a simplification or a generalisation. Research has proved that speed daters who were asked about their relationship preferences proved themselves wrong just minutes later with the person they picked in the event. The rationale is simple — if you haven’t experienced something (or enough of something) then how do you know what you want from it? Or in other words, most of us don’t have too many serious relationships before we make a decision about settling down. And with such little experience, on what basis are we making the decision?

For any other important thing in life — let’s say for starting a business — you are expected to put in a certain amount of preparation. From earning a business degree, perhaps getting work experience at similar firms, having a thoroughly researched business plan in place — these would just be the minimal requirements you’d be expected to have before you set up your enterprise. But when it comes to finding a life partner, what sort of “work” or preparation are you supposed to put in? There are certainly no “courses” that are taught on picking the right partner. So, what you’re left to do is go with instinct, rely on fate etc. That doesn’t sound so foolproof, does it?

It’s common sense that you’ll end up picking a partner based on the options you have. And the number of people most of us come into contact with, are limited. Common sense would also dictate that to find the best possible match for yourself, you need to date a wide number of people — meaning you should probably be trying online dating, speed dating etc. But there are also social norms that dictate just how many people you can “respectably” go out with, or where you can meet them (through mutual friends or through work etc). So we just stick to our limited options instead.

Tim Urban brings up an interesting point in his post — that society in general is more concerned with you being married “before you’re too old” rather than you not marrying the wrong person. He also adds that a single 37-year-old would be “frowned upon” much more by society than a 37-year-old who is unhappily married and has two children! And very few people can withstand the kind of overt or covert societal pressure that is brought to bear and are only too ready to rush into a permanent relationship — even if they have doubts that this may not be the perfect one for them.

For women who want to have biological children, the “biological clock” makes the necessity of settling on a life partner a deadline-oriented process. You just HAVE to be married/in a committed relationship before you cross certain age milestones. But even otherwise, says Urban, our bodies send us a whole host of chemical messages that are supposed to help us mate, fall in love and form long-term attachments. When you’re dating someone new, the excitement triggers off all these chemicals and makes you feel like you’ve found ‘The One’. Sometimes, better sense prevails (when our brain overrides the hormones) but sometimes, it doesn’t.