Private lives: Is it okay to check your partner’s phone/email?

Amid the ever-swirling stories around the romance between Scottish DJ Calvin Harris and American pop sensation Taylor Swift, was this little nugget: A friend of Taylor’s said that one of the reasons she feels so secure with Calvin, is because he “doesn’t hide his phone around her”. The friend also said that Taylor’s exes would “freak out” if she ever checked their phones.

While your partner’s being comfortable with you checking her/his phone may seem like a sign that they don’t have anything to hide, and are worthy of your trust — should you be doing it? Or should you allow your partner to “check” your emails, messages, chats etc? What are the bounds of privacy when you’re in a romantic relationship?

One sign that the two of you are really close is when your partner asks you to check his/her phone to see who is calling, or to pick up the phone in their presence,” says life coach Bina Jhaveri. “It shows you that your partner has nothing to hide. But this does not give you open permission to check message, call logs and emails on their device when he or she is not around,” Bina cautions.

She also points out that many-a-time, we are not actually okay with giving our partner as much privacy as he or she desires, but pretend that we’re fine with it, nonetheless. This is what might lead to issues like surreptitious checking of her or his phone, email account etc. “You have to mean what you say,” asserts Bina. “Don’t say you are okay with giving your partner her or his space when really, you’re not. If something bothers you, talk it out right then. Come up with solutions that are agreeable to both of you.”

Life coach Chetna Mehrotra sets out just what being disrespectful of your partner’s need for privacy can entail: “Asking or being too inquisitive about your partner’s every movement; checking your partner’s phone secretly; looking at your partner’s cross-gender interactions with doubt and jealousy; and restricting or laying down rules in a relationship,” she enumerates. In fact, says Chetna, this becomes a vicious circle of sorts since the partner who is intrusive or secretly spying on their significant other is never comfortable. “It makes you anxious, it’s a constant task,” she points out.

There is also a problem when we compare the behaviour of our current partner to that of other couples we might know. “Many people compare their relationships with others’ by proactively looking for signs that could derail their relationship. For instance, ‘Her partner comes home late. Everyone knows he is having an affair. My partner comes home late too. So he must be having an affair as well’. This keeps the focus on finding faults with the relationship as opposed to giving it the freedom to develop into something beautiful. Once you are secure in your relationship, you will automatically end up giving your partner the level of privacy established in your liaison,” says life coach and therapist Khyati Birla.

Adds life coach Milind Jadhav, “It all boils down to trust. Strong and mutual trust among partners is the foundation for a strong relationship. Matters such as privacy are derivatives of the trust the partners share. Space and privacy are very fundamental needs. Many people want privacy but they’re not willing to give privacy to their partners. The need to change to check a partner’s phone or log into his/her social media account emanates from a feeling of insecurity in the relationship. It is therefore up to both partners to first develop a strong bond and make their partners feel secure in the relationship. As the relationship matures and the bond develops, it is best to discuss openly with your partner, how much space you need and how much you are willing to give.”