Breakups: Men cover up but don’t recover

The emotional and physical effects after a break-up are different for men and women, but so is the nature of their recovery, according to a recent study. While women tended to feel the strongest effects following a split, man’s anguish was just not as much. However, women tend to make a full recovery as time passes. As for men, the researchers say they simply “move on” but the loss will ferment and linger.

Researchers from Binghamton University and University College, London, asked 5,705 participants in 96 countries to dig deep into those emotional memories and recall their last break-up. The researchers then asked the participants to rate their emotional and physical pain following that break-up on a scale of one (none) to 10 (horrible).

Women clearly suffered the strongest effects following a break-up, their average rating for emotional and physical pain being 6.84 and 4.21. The men, on the other hand, averaged 6.58 for emotional anguish and 3.75 for physical. Significantly, the study also revealed that while break-ups hit women the hardest, they tend to recover more fully and emerge emotionally stronger. Men, on the other hand, never fully recover although they simply move on.

Noted psychologist Dr Mini Rao, explains that this is because men tend to suppress their emotions. “Women articulate their feelings. They talk endlessly to their family and friends. This venting can be cathartic. They pour out their feelings and get it out of their system and achieve closure,” she says. “On the other hand, men don’t talk about it. They internalise their feelings. They keep their hurt, anger and rejection inside themselves. Their ego also takes a hit and they take the break-up personally. That’s why they tend to continue to harbour feelings for their ex. Their ego can’t take the fact that their girlfriend or wife doesn’t want them anymore. They secretly keep wishing their girlfriend or wife will take them back.”

Actress Vishakha Singh says that this difference maybe because of the social conditioning of men and women. “Boys are generally taught to be strong when the going gets tough, and to deal with their feelings without showing too much vulnerability. They also tend to retreat to heal, hiding out until they have resolved the issue. They are not designed to sit around and wait for things to work out. Everything in their being intrinsically tells them to keep moving.”

Dr Manas Thappar, a teaching fellow in psychology, says men who experience emotional distress during a break-up will find it therapeutic to talk with both men and women during the healing process. “While it’s important to think about what happened, over time, it’s imperative that you stop dwelling on mistakes of the past and allow yourself to continue living your life, so you can have new emotional experiences and make new memories. Female friends can be a blessing as well. Their insight into the mind of a woman may help men better understand how or why things went awry.”