“Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match! Find me a find, catch me a catch…” In the Hollywood classic Fiddler on the Roof, the three sisters Tzeitel, Hodel and Chava, sing to the matchmaker — half in jest — to look through her book and find them husbands.
Years later, our avenues to find matches — to date, hook up with, or even marry — have widened considerably, and we’re no longer reliant on the friendly community matchmaker to do the work for us. But have more opportunities made us better at finding dates? Among the top matchmakers in the world (she runs the matchmaking service Mutual Attraction), Caroline Brealey routinely gets asked for advice on matters of the heart.
Most of those questions are usually about just how to find that special someone. Caroline offers advice that may seem obvious — in fact, it’s so obvious that most of us overlook it! We’re collating what she has to say on the subject here, and breaking it down for you. Good luck with finding love!
Treat it like you would a job hunt
Now you might wonder if finding love — or even a satisfactory date — should be as prosaic. We like to think that love (or attraction) comes as a lightning bolt that strikes you out of the blue. Indeed, it sometimes is. But if you stay at home or at the workplace all day, there’s just that much of a lesser chance that the lightning bolt will find you, you know?
Caroline’s advice: Be proactive. Treat finding a date like you would a job hunt. You present your best self to prospective employers, get your CV out to as many places as you can, constantly work on your skills and qualifications to be the most desirable candidate for a role. Why aren’t we as willing to expend the same effort in dating?
Lower your expectations
Remember what Phil Dunphy says in Modern Family? “The best things in life can happen to you — if you only lower your expectations”. Before you scoff at this piece of advice as “settling”, we’ll put it into perspective. Do you have a “list” in your head about what your “perfect partner” will be like, with specific traits that you think the ideal woman/man is all about? Do you believe that she/he should like to do the exact same things as you — and for the exact same reasons? Before rejecting a prospective date for not matching up to your exacting criteria, you might want to consider — just who is perfect? Are you? Caroline points out that we all have “non-negotiables” — aspects that we will not compromise on, because they are that important to us. But we need to be willing to compromise on the things that maybe, aren’t quite as important as we make them out to be. So think about that list and whether or not “must earn a six-figure salary” really needs to be on it.
Enjoy even the imperfect dates
Finding someone special shouldn’t be a chore. It should be fun, exciting and enjoyable. Caroline says that people are often so disheartened by a bad date(s) that they start to think they will never find love or romance. That isn’t true. She points out that dating is like any other form of socialising, in that there will be some people you really get along with well, and others, not so much. Date one didn’t work out so well? Maybe you could give the person a second chance. You’re just getting to know each other after all. Or maybe now you have a better idea of what you’re not looking for. Treat it as a learning experience, not as a reason to withdraw from the dating scene and mope.
Love yourself
Caroline advises that while you’re looking for a special someone, you might want to make yourself feel special enough too. She advises going out with friends, doing what makes you happy and generally being the best possible version of yourself that you can be. Laugh, try out new experiences, meet new people and generally have a blast. And you’ll find that in the process of doing all this, you’ll find someone who’s right for you. It’s a simple thought really — if you don’t like who you are, why should someone else? This is not an endorsement (or an encouragement) of narcissism, just an indication to build some healthy self-esteem. You’ll find that the confidence in yourself works wonders, and it’s very attractive to others.
