Shary Hauer, the author of Insatiable: A Memoir of Love Addiction, recounted a time when she had just gone out on her second date with a man and found herself “reconfiguring her life around him”. She writes about thinking that she needed to order a new mattress (as her date was very tall), that the kitchen needed a new coat of paint, that she needed to book several appointments for beauty treatments, buy seductive lingerie etc. She describes the rush in which she was operating as a “cocaine high”. After several unsuccessful relationships and a failed marriage, Hauer finally realised that she was suffering from a “love addiction”. It was not the settled calm and intimacy of a long-term relationship that she was looking for, it was the “high” of romantic pursuit, of infatuation, of desire. Since it doesn’t have the repercussions of an addiction like one to alcohol or drugs, love addicts often get away for years without anyone thinking too much of it. But the emotional damage is as considerable.
Problems in a pattern?
Shary Hauer has said that even at the height of her problem, she was what people might call “high functioning addict” — she was able to do everything that her daily routine at work or home demanded. It was “only behind closed doors” that Hauer would give in to her fantasies, she writes. But experts say that for many love addicts, that isn’t the way the behaviour manifests itself. Not only does their constant pursuit of romantic (and sexual) experiences put a strain on their relationships, it also further strains their psychological and physical well-being and their ability to function. Excessive fantasizing can take over their lives, they can lose “time, money, sleep and productivity” not to mention, run the risk of legal trouble if their addiction spirals out of control.
“I’m worthless”
Experts believe that a love addiction stems from low self-esteem, the lack of models for positive romantic relationships (during the growing up years), and an excessive “indoctrination” in idealised romantic love from books, music, films, are among the contributing factors to developing an addiction to love in later life. Do you seek validation through your relationships, or feel your life is empty and meaningless unless you’re in a relationship? Do you define your worth based on whether or not you have a partner, or do you feel you will never be happy unless you find the perfect “soulmate”? If you’ve answered “yes” to all these questions, then you do need to take a look at why you seek out relationships — and whether there is something dysfunctional about the way you approach them.
Misery loves company
Psychologists commonly administer a 40-question test to individuals who they have reason to believe might be suffering from an addiction to love. One set of those questions refers to how willing you are to stay in a relationship even if it makes you unhappy. Since a love addict derives his or her self-worth from being in a relationship, he or she will not put an end to it even if it is a damaging one. Experts say a love addict may give in to demands for sex or continue in a relationship even when she or he doesn’t want to simply because the alternative — of being by themselves is wholly inconceivable to them. They would rather suffer an unhappy relationship (until another prospect comes along) than end it.
Dangerous liaisons
Because the love addict is constantly seeking the thrill of “falling” in love, the heady rush that marks the first days of a relationship, he or she will continue to look for that despite the presence of a long-term partner in their lives. And when they seek out this new “rush”, they will do so even at the risk of jeopardising their committed relationship. Now, it isn’t that those who have a healthy approach to love and relationships will never contemplate having an extra-marital affair. But with a love addict, this becomes the norm rather than an untoward exception. Experts even describe love addicts as “serial monogamists” — intensely falling in love with and pursuing one person before moving on to the next, and so on.
