Lizards are a man’s best friend

In a woman’s world, the importance of a man in a relationship lies in being the valiant presence
For too long, man believed that he was the reason why the world didn’t collapse into itself and the sun kept revolving around the earth safely without dropping out of the sky like one bright bouncy ball. Add to this the responsibilities of feeding his family and providing them shelter from wild animals and he knew he had earned his halo. Things didn’t quite go as planned, however. The oldest profession in the world is slavery and it dates back to the first time a man and a lady moved in together. The man who thought he was doing her a favour was in fact opting for bonded labour for life. And then women stepped out into the world, and not only did they rock corporate jobs to ultra-marathons, they even looked better in suits and trousers!
The final blow was the sperm bank which basically made any male of the human species so utterly redundant that it was impossible to imagine their preserved continuity on the planet any further. Even Nostradamus couldn’t have seen this coming, that there would be a time when all that women would need is a hot latte and a shoe store to be happy; men, not so much. In fact, if the world had sat up for a minute to think about why men were still around, even Darwin would have been flummoxed. And then, it came to me. It was like an epiphany and I had it at a time when I could really use a distraction, and this was good stuff — I suddenly knew why we men, in spite of all our uselessness, are still around.
And the answer to this massive puzzle could be summed up this way: Lizards and cockroaches. Basically the entire creepy-crawly world is the sole reason for our existence. Take them away and men too will soon wither and fade away from society and eventually die out like an ebbing tide in the gene pool. But for as long as cockroaches exist, there will be a woman who is too panicked to function. And for every woman standing on a dining table or chair while haplessly trying to pry at an approaching lizard with a broom, there is a need for a man that can never be replaced. Downright humiliating as it may sound, this my brethren, is the real and only reason why men exist: To shoo away insects and the likes.
Recently, I felt quite the macho man defending my lady against wily frogs and crafty cockroaches. I have never felt braver than when she asks me to squish a worm and I bravely just let it crawl into my palm and take it out to release it instead. I feel almost like God sending away Moses from Sinai, shouting behind him, Go forth, and sin no more…I think a white toga will suit me just fine.
But this isn’t just about me, you too can sport the God look, just remember to accept bravely that which scares your moll. Lizards are a man’s best friend for without them a girl would never willingly clutch some of us, no matter how recently we bathed. Sure, lizards and cockroaches will be harmed for your relationship, but it’s either them or you. Kill them and prove your usefulness to the natural way of things; be scared of them and women will soon develop a spray to kill us along with the other critters.
— The writer is a lover of wine, song and all things fine
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