I was corresponding with a friend from the Prime Minister’s Office when one of his emails came with a strange attachment. The subject line read — “2015 resolutions”. I thought it was a virus or some sort of mistake, but I went ahead and clicked it open anyway. The text was this note. It seemed genuine to me and I have asked my friend whether he wanted me to report it for this paper. There was no reply, since the PMO is off for New Year’s Day, but I am reproducing it on the off chance that it is an important story that the nation should know about. Here goes:
“Memo from PMO
To: All ministries and senior partymen and friends
Subject: New Year’s resolutions
Respected subordinates,
Pradhan Mantriji has sent these New Year’s resolutions for you to adopt and announce today, January 1, on twitter (please copy @narendramodi and @pmoindia). This is a democracy so feel free to consider them and to think of any changes you want, before adopting your oath exactly as he has approved. Text follows.
To assorted Sadhus and Sadhvis in the Cabinet and on the treasury benches: This oath is to be repeated every morning, and just before every speech and public gathering: “I Sadhu/Sadhvi (insert name here) hereby promise I will not say or do anything to embarrass the government and the Prime Minister today.
Note: Please keep recordings of the daily oath and email it to the PMO at enough_of _this@pmo.nic.in
To the Department of Atomic Energy (researchers and officers): “We will work hard in 2015 to prove that most of modern science has its basis in our ancient texts. Whatever is done today, whether in technology or medicine is a replay of what happened in earlier yugas in Aryavarta. The greater good and progress of this country will only come when we convince the world what an advanced civilisation we were and we are — through our mastery of scientific thought.”
To the 22,714 filmstars, cricketers, TV serial actors, industrialists, singers and stand-up comedians who have not yet taken the Swachh Bharat pledge: “I promise to take a photo of myself with a jhadoo, to be retweeted by @narendramodi. I will tweet as hard as I can to make India a cleaner place.”
To all voters (including NOTA): “We vow to wait a few more months, and if needed even a couple of years, for the arrival of achche din. We continue to believe in the 100 day promise for bringing back black money so that we can get '15 lakh per Indian and we are delighted that the culprits will now have to pay us interest for each day our payout is delayed. Meanwhile, we will also continue to ensure that the Bharatiya Janata Party wins elections.”
To the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh: “In keeping with our creed of lifting the nation through our work, we resolve to focus on the most important aspects of our nation’s problems. We will continue to help our fellow Indian and, in particular, the common man out of his misery. We have concluded that this is not his poverty or his illiteracy or his helplessness. It is that he has been bowing to the wrong god. Only when this is corrected will the rest follow. Meanwhile, we will continue our work to stir up news debates, because what this nation need above all is its nightly entertainment.”
Ministry of industry: “We understand finally that what has been lacking in making us an industrialised nation is the right logo and slogan. This has been corrected with the brilliant ‘Make in India’ campaign. We will work through 2015 to make India a developed economy through repeatedly chanting this magic mantra, while leaving all other things as perfect as they have always been.”
To Amitbhai and Smriti: “We will take up the same procedures as Jaitley and Gadkari and make ourselves less of a burden on the ministerial chair.”
To respected Advaniji and Atalji and Murli Manoharji: “We will continue to mentor, guide and direct all higher policy of the party and the government as its seniors, and we will do so by setting aside all the time otherwise wasted in holding posts and portfolios.”
Additional oaths have also been suggested by PMO to opponents and enemies in this season of good cheer.
To Mamatadi: “I vow to provide the histrionics and distractions much needed by those fatigued by ordinary politics. My party will continue to assist me sincerely in this venture.”
To the government of Pakistan: “We pledge to positively engage with India (at the border), to ensure that there is free trade and exchange (of shells) and that we will not allow territory under our control to be used for terrorism (it’s a different thing that we do not control any territory).”
To Shri Rahul G: “I will spare no possible effort and, in fact, constantly throw myself into the work of reviving, sustaining and rejuvenating the workers, the voters and the leaders of the Bharatiya Janata Party.”
To the Congress Party: “We hereby promise to perform our solemn role in opposition by refusing to let the BJP speak. Our great leaders, Nehruji, Indiraji, Rajivji and Vadraji have already said all that needs to be said. Every other party should now shut up.”
And lastly, a note from the PM to himself: “My own New Year’s resolution for 2015 is to try and be a truly great Prime Minister. A leader who is warm and generous and loved by his people, trusted by voters, a star at every gathering of grandees abroad, a visionary and a statesman. That is to say, I resolve to continue what I did in 2014.”
Aakar Patel is a writer and columnist
