A childhood friend, who got married before any of us in our friends’ circle, seemed to be having some marital problems fairly early on in her relationship.
Her parents urged the couple to go in for marriage counselling.
Teething problems, we all thought. And yet somewhere some instinct had told me it ran deeper.
They patched up to the relief of the parents, who were very keen not to cut a sorry figure in their community.
A brood of kids followed and all seemed okay until recently, many years down the line, I received a cryptic message about her ‘being treated like a maid’ and verbal and mental abuse.
I was shocked. Nothing had changed! She was the passive suffering victim of violence through all these precious years!
Often the woman in a marriage is ridden roughshod over because she is not the breadwinner and the contribution she makes in terms of cooking, cleaning and generally being the fall guy for kids, in-laws and family is taken very much for granted.
There is no value for the sacrifices she has made and her husband is oblivious to her needs and desires.
I recognised this from the experiences of many friends from school and college who got married to dominating men who wanted a housewife to look after home and hearth.
The statistic is higher when women give themselves up headlong into the chores of marriage — giving up all financial independence and cutting down drastically on personal pursuits of happiness.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am definitely not advocating a ‘burn the bra’ feminism and aggression of ‘I, me, myself’.
Nor am I saying that sacrifices are wrong and marriage is a write-off. All I’m saying is get a life.
A life with some personal space, diversions and hobbies with friends and preferably some financial independence that gives you a feeling of liberation and self-reliance, and your husband the stimulation to respect your independence and space, where he gives you respect and does not treat you like a maid.
Coming back to my friend, I realised that the ‘patch-up’ compromise orchestrated back then was all about her giving up her voice, her dreams, her space and towing the line all the way.
A man who is mentally abusive and controlling may not change easily, especially if he hasn’t in a long time.
Writing off her life and saying her kids will be the passage to existence is nothing but the formula for frustration, anger, bitterness and much pain when your son goes and gets himself a life and a wife!
There is a quote that makes much sense to me, about life being the real thing, not a rehearsal.
You are not in a waiting room, in an endless wait to live your dreams and reality. The time is now.
When you are miserable and unhappy, no one gives you an award for your pain.
Don’t keep expecting that one day a miracle will change your husband, and don’t live in denial of the relationship that leaves you unempowered, because that is an escapist attitude.
Better to get out and find happiness, with or without a spouse — better late than never.
Clinging on to a comfort zone is just a way of procrastinating life.
Make the tough choice of living alone than living in subjugated misery where your rights as an individual are violated and you are always at a disadvantage.
Rumours suggest that Yukta Mookhey has walked out of a marriage where she felt exploited and is feeling greatly relieved alone than with a man who she felt ill-treated her.
I could cite many examples of women who chose a harder single existence than a miserable married life of material comfort.
The author is a luxury consultant and lifestyle columnist. You can mail her at nishajamvwal@gmail.com
