Friends have the toughest line to walk between reason and responsibility, and here's how
This picture is used for representation purpose only. Photo: visualphotos.com
Mumbai: People often look at how difficult it is to give up an addiction. Rarely is the focus on the people who have the closest contact with the addict. One may still pity a spouse or partner, but friends have the toughest line to walk between reason and responsibility.
Educate yourself about the issue
Being the friend of an addict is never easy because the partner or spouse of the person concerned somehow expects that you’d have a better chance of talking the person out of abusing their bodies, and their lives with substances or liquor. What if you just think that your pal enjoys a drink more than others and really doesn’t have a problem? Is there a chance his girlfriend is just paranoid that he drinks more than she does? Do teetotallers have a poor understanding of what makes for a problem and what is nothing more than social drinking? Unless you don’t recognise the problem and learn when that line between moderate and too much has been crossed, you can’t be of much help.
Set up an intervention
Once you’ve recognised that your friend has a problem, stage an intervention. An intervention requires people close to the addict to list reasons why the behaviour or habit needs to end. For this purpose, it makes sense only to call those who are capable of making the person listen and not just relatives who are close by nature of association. Don’t call people who have the potential to make your friend snap. Once your friend has decided that the intervention is nothing but a marathon nagging session, then no matter who says what, the discussion will remain futile and will only serve as a major irritant. The idea is to make your friend realise that you are here to help him and not attack him or worse, judge him for his lifestyle choices.
Stop trying to ‘fix’ him or her
You are not Dr. Fix-it. The earlier you realise that, the better it’s for you and your friend. As much as your intentions are pure, you have got to understand that no matter what you do, the outcome is rarely in your hands. The only person you have any control over is yourself. You do not have control over anything the addicted person does. Many people choose not to believe this, but that doesn’t make it any less true. It’s easy for the addict to want to sever ties with an “inconvenient” friend who only seems to nag. Even counsellors can only guide a person; they can’t make the choices for him or her. Your job is to be there through the despair your friend is undergoing and be available when he falls. Addicts may still break up romantic relationships but friends get a raw deal because they’re expected to stay no matter what.
Avoid blame game: introspect
As easy and tempting as it may seem to be for you to blame the addict in your life for your struggles and suffering, there is actually more value in exploring what you may be contributing to this situation, since that is the only thing you can really do anything about. Even though the addict has undoubtedly contributed his or her share of the trouble, in some way you also have a part to play in what is going on. Have you been fuelling the addiction by unquestioningly lending him/her money or covering up for him/her in front of his family needlessly? It is one thing to have your friend’s back at all times and a completely different thing to be a mute spectator to someone else being on self-destruct mode. With friendship comes responsibility.
Be wary of manipulation
When addicts are not ready to change, which is often the case, they become master manipulators in order to keep the addiction going. Their fear of stopping is so great that they will do just about anything to keep from having to be honest with themselves. Some of these manipulations include lying, cheating, blaming, raging and guilt-tripping others. And given that friendship comes with a more relaxed moral fabric than romantic relationships, addicts tend to be more honest about their problem. But that doesn’t mean they want it to go away. There is, in fact, a higher tendency for friends to be manipulated than spouses, especially since one tends to feel less judged by friends and therefore one rarely sports a facade. Don’t take the bait but most importantly, never give up on your friend. Particularly when he says he doesn’t need you.
( Source : deccan chronicle )
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