Ladies, once you are done with the charts about why chocolate, beer, peanuts, and just about anything and everything since dinosaurs are better than men, you may realise you are suddenly rather bored with the fact-file. In fact, unlike other euphoria where one is left feeling positively enlightened, this one will leave you only feeling lonely in your triumph.
But the thing is, to compare men to peanuts is as fair as comparing them to men. Not because the other two are sort of nuts really but because they are all different entities. To compare them is to try and measure two variables which offer no further similarities than opposable thumbs.
What I am stating is that men and women are not similar and hence to try and create a balanced relationship is never possible. Here is why, and where, I feel that our brother Charles Darwin went wrong with his theory.
Form & grace: Forget what I said about opposable thumbs; except Michael Jordan no other man can claim dexterity with his fingers. We are lucky we don’t break ourselves every other day like the shatter-able villain from The Unbreakable. Women, you are the graceful swan (song?) to the din of our clumsy existence.
Memory: How can it be possible that one half of a species remember things that didn’t even remotely happen whereas the other can’t remember anything at all? Just like an elephant and a goldfish are different species, hence so are men and women.
Aural: Women can lose sleep if a dormouse sneezes in the cracks behind a wall, two houses away. They can hear your thoughts as they form and evaporate. Men can register nothing that doesn’t include being fed or fornicated. I’d have added football to that list (and it would have served the alliteration only too well) but personally am more of a tennis fan.
Sight: Women, we really can’t tell which dress makes you look fat, or slimmer. Frankly, we don’t care as long as we get there before the buffet runs out of the good stuff. To you, anything that you have worn twice makes you look ugly which serves the fashion industry only too well but it sure is no service rendered to the domestic economy.
Taste: We men love our food, so much so that we even smear our clothes with it often. You on the other hand don’t think of food the same way. If you happen to share our endless hunger and greed for grub then you are the exception and other girls don’t really want to hang out with you. And, it also means we men and women are of different species. Two issues resolved in one go!
Dear women, if at any point you feel insulted, add that to the ever-expanding list of differences. For most men reading this will find it funny. If you can’t find it in your good superior selves to laugh with me (or, for that matter, at me) than at least show some pity for me and the rest of my species; we men are like the buffalos that were asked to climb a tree to prove their worth in a world where women were incarnated as cows but the kind which could somehow climb trees. The analogy may not entirely come through but I guess you and I both would have to be there. In case that my sanity never returns, I bid you well on behalf of my entire species.
The writer is a lover of wine, song and everything fine
