Decoding female mind isn't a joke!

Mumbai: Female mind does not exist in any fixed temporal state and is devoid of complex notions of past present and future. It is ubiquitous and omnipresent.

Dear Women,

The one reason I have had to cast aspersions on the gender of famous scientist Albert Einstein is because of his one statement about relativity and especially how it applied to time. If the movie Back to the Future was made in this day and age it would be called a documentary on how women perceive time. The female mind exists not in any fixed temporal state; rather it is woven intricately into the fabric of time and space itself, so that it is omnipresent and ubiquitous.

It is everywhere at all times so that time per se doesn’t really flow through them as much as it is a condensed thick interconnected medium through which they can effortlessly glide back and forth, covering infinity in every direction in no time at all.

The science of it aside, here is what it means. Start a conversation with a women and it may soon escalate into an argument purely because she recalls something that happened years ago. Or, conversely, the woman decides that sometime in the future you will be embarking on some course of action or inaction that utterly displeases and hence she will feel it within her rights to reprimand you sternly for it. In either case — whether your past is brought up inexplicably or your future is debated without your participation in any manner to help shape it — you, dear men, can’t afford to appear flummoxed.

Show any sign of logic and you will invite the wrath of all hells. And you can’t really blame the fairer sex for it, as I clarified they do have an all-pervasive manner of existence and hence are justified among their ilk in behaving such. Imagine if you could see as far back into the future as much as you can look forth into the past…? See, even something as mildly cryptic as that befuddled you. But for women, with their inherent independent comprehension of time, this would be a perfectly normal thing to say.

What it boils down do in practice is that women can deploy anything in an argument; no artillery is too archaic or absurd. And it doesn’t have to even be related; as long as it happened, or stands a remote chance of happening even if so in only a parallel universe, you, sir, are culpable.

So what are the chances of walking away with a clean chit? None really, just brace yourself and try and fight from a defensive stance. Don’t show fear or worse yet, anger; they only serve to backfire. Just crawl into a foetal position, or else lie submissively belly up and take it like a man.

Eventually it passes for the ever-anguished mind of a lady will soon flit on to something else that is more pressing and bothersome in that moment and your potential crimes will be momentarily relegated. Consider that a period of peace; crawl out of your foxhole and grab a snack before the next unannounced round begins.