The parental buffet

If you want hours of amusement/torture — take your parents out for a buffet. And, sit back and watch the fun! Actually, you won’t have time to sit back and I’ll tell you why.

See, the whole point of a buffet is self-service without waiters but, at a buffet with your parents, you become the wai­t­er! You have to get them food and let ev­eryone think you’re eating by yourself for three people. Because, parents can’t comprehend this system of having to get up and get their own food. Your mom is like, “If I have to get up and get my own food — I may as well get up, go to the grocery store and then get up and go to the kitchen and get up and make something for myself… and, serve it here at 10 times the cost.” Your father’s agenda with a restaurant is to drink, eat and tip waiters. Deprived of this 15 per cent chivalry — he feels incomplete. He has to tip someone, even if it’s you.

And, it’s largely pointless to take your parents to a buffet. Because, what is a buffet? It’s a wide variety of cuisine: sus­hi, pizzas, buttered fish, Moroccan meat balls, George’s bush, Angela’s merkel — whatever. And, your parents are still eating — what? Reshmi Kebab, dal, chawal, roti and just to experiment one spoon of Wasabi — which they down in one gulp and then go mental hopping on their chairs like prairie dogs on a hot tin roof.

Eating only Indian food at a buffet is so silly. Our parents believe every other ty­pe of cuisine is a variation of Indian cu­i­sine. Pizza is papad with needless toppi­n­gs. Tortilla is Mexican pani puri. Gua­c­amole is just salty Mexican daliya. Cre­pes are just roti that had an oil massage.

Now, my parents are well travelled and they’ve been to many, many places. So, they’ll still experiment with food but, they stop short at sushi. “What is this? This fish is not even cooked, this chawal is not even cooked. So lazy! Waiter, iss sushi ko garam kar ke lao — add some tadka to it and bring it back.”

And, you know it’s not worth the effort going for a buffet when your parents wa­nt to turn even sushi into macher jhol!

You can sample Sorabh on Twitt­er @hankypanty