‘You are not a loser till you quit’

It was my decision to move to Russia with my ex-husband and settle down in a new country after marriage. And after two years of constant torture, I took the decision to file for a divorce and come back to India. This was the time I saw the true faces of the people who were a part of my life, who stood by me throughout the ordeal. I call them my ‘F’ factor —family and friends.

My parents always let me take my own decisions. that taught me to learn from my own mistakes. When my mother learnt about my troubled marriage, she told me to give it one last shot, and then take the final call. I knew I didn’t want my son Mark to grow up in a house with such negative vibes because he never slept peacefully. The day I left my ex-husband’s house, my son slept peacefully, and I knew I had taken the right decision.

Coming back to India, I had to start looking for a means to support my son and myself financially. And more than anything else, I didn’t want anyone to pity me. I started making a few calls to people I knew from the modelling industry and some gave me a chance to prove myself again.

My mother made a big sacrifice for me by quitting her career as an aerobics instructor to take care of my son while I was away working. That’s motherhood! Since I had broken off all contacts with my ex-husband, I gave my son my surname. My son is now a true Raut.

Of course, the first few months were rough. I had to build my image as a model from scratch, and also look after my son who was only a few months old. But with the help of my family and the support of my friends, I picked up the broken pieces and moved on. It took time, but I am at peace now.

Today I have a job that I love and the industry, in return, appreciates my talent and hard work. I have the freedom to say no to a project, and that helps me make time to spend with my now three-year-old son.

I always dreaded the day Mark would ask me about his father and his identity. I was in so much turmoil then — I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to face that question. With time, I have calmed down and I know from within that the day my son grows old enough to ask me this question, I’ll know what to tell him. As of today, he doesn’t miss the presence of a male figure in his life. My father is a huge part of Mark’s life and he spends all his time with him. I also have a lot of male friends who fill the void.

I believe you are not a loser till you quit. I keep repeating this to myself every time I feel lonely and lost. And my family and friends always back me.

I have faced all my troubles and come out as a much stronger person. If my future ever demands me to take another tough decision, I know I’ll be prepared for it.

As told to Shreya Bhandary