In a fiercely patriarchal society, traditions count for much. Like a father giving away a daughter in marriage (which is a western custom too), or a son performing the last rites of his parents.
Sampradaya is considered sacrosanct and people are not accustomed to breaking the religious system or spiritual channels. And so when someone defies the tradition and performs a ritual like a mother giving away her daughter’s hand in marriage, it becomes hot news, even goes viral these days on the social media.
There was much happiness all round in a recent event in which a mom gave away her daughter Sandhya while talking her seat at the ceremony with the daughter seated on her lap, a duty dads or, in the event of their not being there, someone in the male line in the family would do the honours. Moms were simply expected to help with the tying of the thali (mangalsutra). The event seemed so unique that a post by the family and wedding photographers went viral in the media.
The images out of the wedding ceremony of a bride from Australia were a hit as everyone involved seemed so involved, actually immersed, in the holy event of matrimony as Sam, the Australian groom, tied the knot. A single mom, Rajeshwari, had taken the bold decision to be the principal figure and the priests, their faces beaming, had fun too, even as they endorsed the union.
Modern society is learning to shed the old customs, especially now when daughters have equal legal right to property, etc. The gender discrimination is fast ending in these matters although such instances are the exception since most people like to go with the flow and follow traditions so that senior relatives did not kick up a shindig. The world is changing fast though.
A priest, however, disagrees. Sastri Sharmaji KKS, is of the opinion that in Hindu rituals, a woman does not have the right to perform Kanniga dhaanam. “There’s a lot of significance attached to it. There’s no place in our sastra that women can perform Kanniga dhaanam. If people want to break the rules and conduct the way they want, it is left to the individuals.”
In another such instance of a mom giving away daughter, Mythily Ramachandran, a single parent and journalist based in Dubai had been apprehensive when her daughter Roshini asked her while she was to wed Pradeep Kumar Ragu Chanthar, ‘Why can’t you do the dharai varthu (kanyadhan)?’ However, circumstances had forced her to accept to do the wedding ritual.
“I was wondering! How could a widow participate in a wedding ritual? And, what will people say? I felt it would be better if my parents, T.V. Kothandaraman, (86) and Pushpa Raman (76) performed this ritual. But God’s ways are unpredictable. Exactly a week before the wedding, my mother was hospitalised and her condition was serious. She could not participate in the wedding. So I decided to step in.”
Their family priest had agreed to it. “I called up my family priest, Ramani Sastrigal of Mogappiar and asked him if I could join in the rituals along with my father, under the present circumstances. He said - “Dharalama pannalaam (definitely!). So I was there on the mandapam standing alongside my father, participating in all the rituals. I am glad that I could be actively involved in this memorable ceremony instead of being expected to stay in the background and watch the proceedings. I am grateful to Ramani Shastrigal, because many a time, our priests are rigid. As for what will people say -No one even talked about it or asked me if I was doing the right thing.
Well-known cinema sub-titlist Rekhs, who did the last rites on her mother’s demise 13 years ago despite threats with excommunication from her own community, says, “My mother Mrs Viji Srinivasan made me promise when she or Appa passed away I should perform the funeral rites just like a son would do, plus I should call the press too. Only then society would change. She left is in the small of June 13, 2005. I was grief-stricken but her words rang in my ears. My dad was completely shattered, I found a priest with the help of my cousin’s family called the Media and Press and chanted all the mantras as a son would have in my place. It was a very soul satisfying experience”
She adds, “Later, when we had to follow up with other Hindu rituals, no priest was willing to come forward as I, a woman had cremated my Amma. My husband and I spoke to more than 20 priests. Then in walked a priest (name withheld, at his request) who showed me the Bhavishya Purana and said “It is written here that women in the olden days performed the last rites in the absence of a son’. My entire family was very supportive and in fact our three daughters are firm in following my footsteps! I am proud that I set a path for others to follow, at least in the South.”
