All of us play many roles in life. Father to our children, husband to our spouse, brother to our siblings, son to our parents and subordinate to our boss. Women are mothers, wives, sisters, daughters and homemakers. With the stress and strain in our lives, many times our roles get confusing. We sometimes lose our bearings in one role, and it impacts our response in other roles too. If we are angry with something our teenage son does, it invariably spills over into our response to our daughter and even our spouse. We cannot isolate ourselves from the pressure built up in one relationship and respond independently in the next. That is how when we are stressed, we often radiate that stress — unwittingly and unfairly — to those who matter the most to us. And then we become obnoxious.

Sadly, in the case of men, since they are the heads of families, it is not easy for anyone to hold a mirror to them and point out their deficiencies. There is the matter of the powerful male ego coupled with respect, however unwarranted, for seniority. So they carry on unfettered with their behaviour until there is very little love lost between them and their families. I have seen many cases when a patriarch passes away, there is subdued joy, and not sorrow, within the family circle. There is a sense of release and relief, as the relatives feel that they can now go back to living normally, and not being in thrall of a dominating personality.

Such behaviour is, however, not always restricted to men. Even women sometimes turn dominators. Though the dominator woman in households is the realm of eternal saas-bahu serials, I know many instances where domineering mothers have played havoc in the lives of their daughters. Last month I met a middle-aged woman, who is a finance specialist, but whose professional life had been totally scuppered by her 83-year-old mother. For decades, the mother had been continually nagging the daughter to look after her and throwing all kinds of challenges at her; all the while remaining non-co-operative.

She would never make a demand on her son and younger daughter, but would keep on harassing the eldest of them all, deriving obviously a kind of sadistic pleasure in seeing her daughter so burdened. Predict-ably the daughter, who was brilliant, could not concentrate on her career and gave up well-paying jobs many times. Over the years, all her colleagues had moved ahead and done very well financially. This fact, added to the depression in her professional life as well.

It is important to draw the line between being kind and being exploited, I told her. Concentra-te on your career, and get a help to look after your mother. Make it clear that if she misbehaves, you will walk out. Sometimes, you have to uphold your dharma, even if it is upsetting to your elders. That is what Lord Krishna preached to Arjun at Kurukshetra.

Tragically, Kurukshetra is not always a 5,000-year-old battlefield. It can sometimes be in our own homes…