ÂI’m toh na very upset with the LGBT community. They think only they are being victimised. Aisa nahin hai. Heterosexual Indians who, despite the best efforts of our courts, are still secretly having sex, are also in danger. Don’t believe me? Watch 'Bhoot Aaya' (Sony). Every weeknight, an anti-bonking brigade rises from the dead to play a deadly game of interruptus. And there’s no option of appeal or daleel. Punishment is death or life-long brahmacharya.
These creatures who lurk about — bhoots, pishach-log, pret aatmas and chudails — are so against man-woman having any kind of sex, that the moment they smell passion, they abandon their upside-down hanging spot and dash into bedrooms to spoil the mood. I’m not making this up. The show swears that all its characters and their activities are real.
The episode I watched was set in Sasaram, Bihar, where Rizwan got married to Farhana Khatoon. Even as bride Farhana was sitting on her bed, all excited about suhag raat, one chudail fatak-se came down from her perch and hit Rizwan on the head so hard that he was too dizzy to even say howdy to his bride. Not content, the chudail gave Farhana so many invisible slaps that she stood in front of the mirror to confirm what was happening.
This toh made the chudail really angry. So to reiterate her point that being married doesn’t give anyone the licence to indulge in carnal activities, a killer mangalsutra arrived to choke her.
The couple survived, but I think they now stand under the chudail’s tree every night and tie rakhi to each other.
But, thankfully, mushkilain hain toh raste hain, bhoot hain toh busters hain. 'Khauff Begins... Ringa Ringa Roses' (Life OK) offers us hope.
JD (played by Sameer Soni) is an ex-armyman who has the power to see all ghostly activities. So if a ghost has been somewhere, JD, just by touching that item/spot/person, can see exactly what happened, is happening, will happen.
JD is a ghost buster on a mission, and his mission involves killing one already dead serial killer from Goa, Miss Rose Rosario, and saving his daughter.
You see, JD killed the serial killer. But she, instead of going to hell, stayed behind and resumed her bloody activities in a different shape and style. The dead serial killer obviously doesn’t like JD. So she has abducted his daughter and plans to kill the child.
Chudail serial killer is a member of a larger evil community which is headed by a male bhoot who likes turning newborn babies into killer Chuckies. It’s all very gory and much kaddu sauce is squirted around by these pret aatmas.
Luckily, JD has help. He works with three other ghost busters who are very tech-savvy. They have a large screen on which little red dots skitter about, telling them the whereabouts of all the city’s bhoots and chudails. They also have bhoot tracking gizmos and a little box that sucks out evil from innocent babies.
Please don’t think that all this is funny. No, this show is very scary, for two reasons.
In the episode I watched, a pregnant lady was giving birth to evil, Rosemary’s Baby ke style mein. It was so scary that mere saare tote udne se pehle hi faint ho gaye.
Second, Sameer Soni is the world’s scariest TV actor. When he’s slipping into a trance to watch grainy videos of bhoot-pishach log, his overacting is so alarming that you’ll run and hide under your bed and refuse to emerge till the TV set is removed.
My TV set hangs on the amaltas tree outside my house. And every night when JD goes into his trance, I hear the chudails giggling. At least he’s keeping our colony ke bhoot-pishach in good humour, and allowing us to partake in 377 criminal activities, night after night. And then the next night.
